Delusional Dominatrix or Dastardly Decoy?

I'm devastating, eh?

So people who've been around here before know I'm a devastatingly sexy hotness of a woman, set on naked world domination, yeah? I'm like Jessica Rabbit, only I really AM bad. I'm all mystery and intrigue, knocking men flat with just a steamy look. You should see what happens when I blow them a kiss... or even just blow. *shifty*

It's why I write these dark, traumatic books and people make sizzling noises when I walk by. Sometimes they even offer me fruit... you know... as a show of how FRESH I am. (okay, so that last might have happened almost 30 years ago and I was in Mexico--and with ojos azules en Mexico, at diez y seis anos... anything is possible)

Still DRESSED like a dominatrix

But the rest of it is true...


Other than the part where instead of LOOKING like Jessica Rabbit, I've got more in common with Miss Piggy...

You know... confident and bossy... and decidedly plumpish... Trying to dress (or undress) to the state of a much sexier woman. Pushing people around as necessary because they never seem to read my mind like I like... And even when they do, they sometimes just need a little extra incentive to do the right thing (which would be the thing I WANT done)


*sigh*

Did you know my home town was formerly Hogs Heaven?

But at least I have the Naked World Domination movement headed in the right direction. Most people are on board when they hear all that is required is getting naked and being nice to people.

And maybe, just maybe, I make more progress with all this world domination stuff because people don't even SEE ME COMING. They look and think 'meh, she HAS to be harmless' (heh.  Right.)  and I get there, crack the whip and make them dance like I like! Erm... in a nice way, of course. They like it. I promise.

I pull it off, don't I? (at least in a literal way?)

So what delusions do you cherish?


Do your looks go with your winning disposition?


Are you naked yet?  It IS Naked Thursday, after all. or Naked Thrustday, as my friend Gae says...


And on the D theme. My buddy Laura at the Daily Dodo has released a book:  100 Blogging Prompts!  You should go check that out, too.  Her C blog has all the details.

And a final DOH!  I totally forgot to be insecure yesterday... though maybe I am insecure that only a couple people signed up for our book release blogfest:  Crazy Cozy Blogfest. if you might be interested, I'd love you to give a peek at yesterday. Because I was SO EXCITED about the idea, but so few people stopped by... I think my title led them to believe it was the DAY OF the blogfest and not an invitation to join it... but it was only the invite... the actually thing of it is in June... on book release day.

Fairy Godmuther Complaints

But not here... I am at Burrowers, Books and Balderdash today.

(is is bad that I kind of luuuurve him?)

Delusional Blogfest of Doom!!!

Hello people!!! Are you ready to die!? (or not) *cough*

I should first say that I am ALSO at Burrowers, Books and Balderdash today being considerably more serious than I am here (I'm talking about Japan) so if you want fun FIRST (posts at noon GMT), then serious, read here, then go astray... if you (like me) prefer to think and then free yourself from such constraints, go there FIRST and then come back!

The Ides of March

Is there a more famous death day? I think not. We have William Shakespeare to thank for that. I am convinced without the play Julius Caesar, most would not know the fateful Ides of March by day... but how good is a story with a soothsayer, an oracle and a political murder?! Especially a murder carried out by a mislead best friend?! Anyway... I LOVE the soothsayer bit... BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!!! (who can resist?) and so here we are...

We have a good sized group participating and THANK YOU all of you who joined (or considered joining, but couldn't for various reasons). You guys are rock stars!

Please please please check out the other entrants in this adventure!

So join us!!!



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I will get to all of your blogs today, but I need to warn you I have a work deadline, so probably not until afternoon, possibly evening... I wish it was different, but I've been waiting for data since last week and only got it last night... need to turn it around...


As for MY Entry...

June 23, 2066

*Francis Bean Cobain, President of the United States of America, approaches podium*

“Peace out, fellow citizens. I think you know why we're here... hard to keep a secret in this day and age. But it's all good. Today, under my executive privileges... I declare a National Holiday. I think the day I've chosen speaks for itself. Today would be the 100th birthday of First Tart, Hart Johnson, had she not died last spring... Nobelaureate in Peace for what she lovingly referred to as the Naked World Domination Tour... It seems a lifetime ago that she drove the final Victorian clothes repression from our ranks. And may I just tell you how happy my boobs are for the freedom?”

*crowd chuckles indulgently*

“But seriously, who would have thought kindliness through nudity would catch on like it did?  But I think what we all loved the Tart most for was her stories. Hart's successful literary career took off in 2015, the first year she had three New York Times best sellers in the same year. She had already been successful with Kahlotus Disposal Site, which film buffs may remember was subject of a Hollywood tug-of war for nearly a decade until Hart's Daughter earned the rights to direct the film. And The Conspiracy Trilogy had a bit of a cult following, though didn't really take off until the television series that lasted for four seasons. Hart had maintained creative rights and insisted that if the kids got any older, it would become a farce.

Hart's daughter went on to a long, successful movie making career and has a footprint on Hollywood Boulevard, and her son because a well-known astronaut not least for convincing his team to allow his mother to name the first habitable planet found in space. Its pink soil and sparkly atmosphere gave rise to the name Lucius.

“Her career spanned 87 books... not a prime number, which means I suspect a couple more to be published from her files, but maybe I'm just suspicious that way... So from here on out, I hope you will take this day, the third day of summer, to spend some time naked, being nice to your neighbors, and enjoying a little literature that makes you squeal with delight.”

*President flashes crowd, bows, and leaves stage *

Watch Me Have a Three Way!!!

I'm serious... the DIVINE Deb and Barbara have invited me for a three-way at their blog today. I LOVE these women... they are kind, smart, funny, classy, and FABULOUS, so I was really excited to be invited. I hope you'll come over and check us out!

(Looks like they usually post at 8am, so SOON!)


Also...

Don't Forget Tomorrow is the Delusional Doom Blogfest, in which we all predict our own deaths! (or something equally as silly, twisted, or insane) Please don't forget to stop by!

Here is the scoop:

BEHOLD... THE DELUSIONAL DOOM BLOGFEST!

When: The Ides of March (March 15) tomorrow
Where: Your blog and mine
WHAT: SOMEONE WILL DIE!

Let me e'splain...

You can do ANY (or all) of the following:

Predict your own death

Predict someone ELSES death

Write your own obituary

Write someone ELSES obituary

Plot a murder of someone sorely asking for it, step by step

I don't care whether you do it by story, plot list, news article, PROPHECY (any seers in the group?). All I ask is that SAID DEATH be either very strange, unusual, bizarre...conspiratorial... or that the reporting be entertaining.

I am okay with gore, but if you choose to include it, please be considerate of other festers and post a WARNING.  And if you really ARE a soothsayer or seer, keep that stuff to yourself. Nobody wants to know... this is FOR FUN.

So join us!!!


Cold as Heaven (link above not working)


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Delusional Doom Blogfest

So this may shock alla y'all, but sometimes I get a little reckless... And when other people are having fun doing cool stuff like holding blogfests, I think I WANT TO HAVE FUN AND HOLD BLOGFESTS! (It's my FOMS kicking in)  But then I look at all the planning and stuff and think... meh... that is SO NOT ME...

But then I thought... you know... in REAL LIFE people have these big fancy, expensive, catered parties with tons of planning, and those are A BLAST! And then OTHER people, on a WHIM invite all their friends over... maybe a couple people with instruments... potluck... buy a keg and ask people to bring their favorite mixed beverage... and THAT is a blast, TOO!

I am much more likely to have the second kind of party, and you know... why NOT have the second kind of blogfest?

The PLAN! *BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!

Hencewith... (damn, I knew that wasn't a word) SOMEONE WILL MEET THEIR HIS OR HER DOOM!!!

BEHOLD... THE DELUSIONAL DOOM BLOGFEST!

When: The Ides of March (March 15) obviously
Where: Your blog and mine
WHAT: SOMEONE WILL DIE!

Let me e'splain...

You can do ANY (or all) of the following:

Predict your own death

Predict someone ELSES death

Write your own obituary

Write someone ELSES obituary

Plot a murder of someone sorely asking for it, step by step

I don't care whether you do it by story, plot list, news article, PROPHECY (any seers in the group?). All I ask is that SAID DEATH be either very strange, unusual, bizarre...conspiratorial... or that the reporting be entertaining.

I am okay with gore, but if you choose to include it, please be considerate of other festers and post a WARNING.  And if you really ARE a soothsayer or seer, keep that stuff to yourself. Nobody wants to know... this is FOR FUN.


HELP! And if anyone has FAR more graphic abilities than I do (which means pretty much everyone), I would LOVE a volunteer to make a badge for it. Mine would look something like this:

(only legible)

So join us!!!



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HA!!!! This just in!  A BANNER!  Thank you so much Rosie!!!

Random Naked

So remember months back when I asked for Random Topics? And how I only did it once? *cough* Yeah, sorry about that... But I am getting BACK to the list... There were 41 items on the list... a random number generator came up with #19.

Number 19 came from Simon, My ManTart Twin... He suggested:

Naked World Domination: What it means to Me.

Now it's been a while since I did any heavy recruiting, though I always work on it a little... but it is good timing to tell all o' y'all about the Naked World Domination Movement... what it means to ME and why YOU should consider joining...

Origins of Nudity

You might know this, but we were ALL born naked. Every last one of you was starkers when you came into this world. It is the natural state of things, and I don't think I need to even say MOST COMFORTABLE... Clothes are BINDING, ITCHY, CLASSIST and create a whole layer of things we have to THINK about (matching, coordination anallat) that is really a waste of mental energy.

Oh, I know... those of you in the US are half buried in snow and the other half will be buried by this time tomorrow, but THAT'S what cozy BLANKETS are for. Isn't a nice fluffy down comforter superior to an itchy wool sweater and long-johns topped by bluejeans in every possible way?

It is really only people intent on controlling us who tell us to put on clothes, and you know... who wants to be told what to do? Certainly NOT me!!!!

Origins of Total World Domination *BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA*

There was a time I wanted to be a princess. I was pretty ticked to find out you had to be born with royal blood even to marry in to the station... but then I got to thinking... there are a lot of... manners and stuff... And I can't really abide by ladylike behavior...

And BESIDES... a PRINCESS has people she has to LISTEN TO! And I think I said already, I want NONE of that!

And see QUEENS have some of the same trouble... unless they can get rid of the king or something... but an EMPRESS... now EMPRESS was something I could get behind!

Thus began the quest for Total World Domination!!!! *BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *

A Marriage of Beautiful Ideas: Naked World Domination Tour!

See now... if I was in charge of everything... and because I'm really NICE... I'd want all my minions to be comfortable TOO. Plus, I think people have a much harder time being really rotten to each other if everyone is naked, and I really want everybody to be NICE! So I figured if everybody was NAKED, they would be NICE and HAPPY! It's all good, yes?




Adam and Eve
Qing Empress
Phara

Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award

So I am over at Burrowers, Books & Balderdash today giving the skinny on DATES, what is REQUIRED, who JUDGES, how many PROCEED, and PRIZES, but I thought HERE we might spend a little time talking about what a person might do during those long WAITS between rounds...


My experience is (possibly because I am self-centered) that MOSTLY you only pay attention as long as you are still IN... I mean sure, there is the back-patting thing for your friends who make various rounds, but during the month I was IN last year, it was highly stressful and my need to talk about it consumed a lot of my time and energy... I didn't have it in me to keep up with it at that level once I was knocked out... here is how I spent it...

During the Month of JANUARY

Write, edit, polish as much as humanly possible.
Take advantage of trading for help in ABNA threads, Facebook groups, or by email.
Bore all your uninterested friends with ad nauseum info on the topic.


Once you have Pressed SUBMIT

Go to ABNA forums and try to figure out who is interesting and clever.
Make comments on said fora in an effort at looking witty.
Tentatively talk to people who seem impressive in hopes of making friends.
Hide.
Look up people on Facebook and add them to 'friends'.
Consider querying but not your confidence is entirely too low.
Consider writing but note you are obsessed with your already entered story.
Write a chapter for each of your ongoing fan fiction stories (maybe this is just me).
Panic.
Eat badly.
Pull eating back in check and realize you don't need your concentration to power walk.
Pull out one of your other books and read it.
Curse self for not submitting THIS ONE instead.
Read blogs about first chapters.
Curse self for not having more gripping first chapter.
Blog about your anxiety.
Blog about blogging.
Blog about online friends.
Panic again.
Realize you've been neglecting pretty much everything.
Go back to ABNA fora. You are not alone.

If you make Second Round (Pure speculation. I have not DONE this). (1000 do 10%)

Squee a lot.
Swear, but in a good way.
Try desperately which friends you can celebrate with and who is in mourning at being out.
Panic.
Reread your excerpt and decide it will never make it.
Cruise the ABNA boards trying to make NEW friends as the last batch has dwindled.
Realize you have a non-ABNA related deadline you can't ignore and try writing.
Give in to lousy first drafts.
Duck head and commit to getting on with it.
Check ABNA boards and Facebook from work just to... make sure...
Blog about anticipation.
Blog about lack of concentration.
Blog about crossing appendages.
Hide.


If you make Quarter-Finals (again... speculation.... 500 make it 5%)

Freak out.
Tell the World.
Babble incoherently.
Call your mother.
Bring up that you WRITE with people you've never talked to about it before.
Panic.
Go back and forth between TELLING PEOPLE and HIDING that your excerpt is not ONLINE.
Look for feedback.
Try feebly to finish book for deadline.
Panic at feedback.
Lose heart.
Hide.
Peek again.
Cling to anything non-negative.
Blog about ambiguity.
Blog about insanity.
Blog about purple things.
Consider superstitious rituals.


If you make Semi-Finals (total speculation: 100 make it 1%)

Commit to freakout.
Give April and May up as a bad job.

If you make FINALS (wildest fantasy: 6 make it)

Beg every person ever met to read and vote on book.
Work the social marketing to best of ability.
Curse not polishing deadline book earlier.
Email every NYC friend and beg to see them when there.
Hyperventilate.


Oh, if only...


Content generated by Hart Johnson
Pictures from Morguefile.com
First appearing together at Confessions of a Watery Tart

What Tart Wants

The following should be (said and) sung to Veruca Salt's 'I Want it Now'

(shouted)
Suspense! Thrillers!
I want a plot to send my book to auction!


At least two a year I say


And by the way


I want a contract.


A series contract!


(you can sing now)
Great fans with love rants and minions with no pants
A movie by Van Zant


I want them NOW!!

I want a signing!
A book release party!
Where people get frisky with belly shot whisky
Let Johnny Depp kiss me
Give it to me
Rrhh rhhh
Now!


I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to make it where everyone's naked
And nobody fakes it
Give it to me
Now!


I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to see everyone likes to read
All my books, they agree!

I want an island that's always fiesta
Cabana boys dancing
And if they're not here when I wake from siesta
I'll savor my fancy


I want the works
I want the whole works
Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes
And now
Don't care how
I want it now
Don't care how
I want it now



So thank you for sharing my insanity and everything...

Verbal Content CHANGED by Hart Johnson from original lyrics in the Willie Wonka movie (and they may or may not have originally been in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl (who rocks)
Veruca Salt image posted at the Huffington Post, from the Movie Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
And here I already threaten my resolve... this is the best Johnny Depp kiss I could find and I ONLY found it on somebody's MySpace Page... but I couldn't NOT, and it is obviously from a MOVIE...
Brent VanZant When a search for VanZant (Gus) pops up something like this, I really can't be expected to resist, can I? Oh, Brent... You are ALWAYS welcome on my island...
This blog originally appeared at Confessions of a Watery Tart

Happy Naked Delusional Thursday my friends!!!

Quirky or Quacked?

This really elegant post of Elizabeth Mueller's yesterday reminded me of an experience I had not so long ago... it is so funny, because Elizabeth's post was touching and warm and fuzzy.  This experience was... not that... in fact I'd venture to say it fit well for Delusional Thursday...

So picture the lovely fall day in Ann Arbor... the sky is blue, the air is brisk for no coat but too warm for a coat... the Tart, always erring on the side of fewer clothes, has her coat hanging from her backpack and is reading a book (Mockingjay, I think).

A little old man who looks marginally professorly says, "Oh, is that a good book?" as she passes.

The Tart, knowing she is overly reclusive, and loving the book, slows to tell him a little about it.

"Oh, I don't really read much."

pause

"I write."

AHA!  So the Tart thinks she has found a kindred spirit and asks him what kind of writing he DOES.

He proceeds to pull a notebook out of his coat pocket. Two by three inches, I swear.  He opens it and pulls out one of those little pencil stubs you can imagine GOING with said notebook.  Then he OPENS the notebook to show me he does indeed WRITE in it... Weather.  Things he bought.  Things he needs.

Can you see me dying a little?  I don't want to OFFEND this little old man, but that was NOT what I was thinking!

So anyway, I hope all of your Thursday delusions are more satisfactory, and if all else fails, you KNOW what Thursday is for! 

GET NAKED! NOW!

HEAR ME!

So today I am also at Burrowers, Books & Balderdash, reviewing some dozen or so books I've never read (as it's Delusional Thursday and all), so I'd love you to come by THERE for some reading recommendations!

But for HERE...

So there is a point of confusion I have, and I thought maybe we should talk about it. We ALL know Adverbs are evil, ne? We carefully perform an Adverbectomy on our very first rewrite... adverbs are TELL, not SHOW. Got it. That isn't the part that confuses me.

What confuses me is MANY agents and publishers say that for dialog tags, they ONLY use said or asked. I've read several blogs to this effect—I swear I'm not making it up. And I want to know

WHY!?!?


I thought maybe I'd review a list of synonyms of 'said' and we could talk about what the heck is so wrong with them, because I don't get it.

Synonyms when I looked it up: Added, continued, stated, announced, asserted, commented, declared, observed, remarked, reported.

Okay, I take it back. For THESE, I get why we stick to said. These mostly seem like they are trying too hard, but what about:

Whispered: This is a word that gives an indication of mood, tone... it is a pretty darned descriptive verb.

Shouted: I suppose in some situations, I suppose an exclamation point will suffice, but when a name needs to be paired, the 'said' is just STUPID when shouting is meant.

Muttered (I have characters in EVERY book who want to mutter!) What the heck is WRONG with muttering! It is a personality indicator!

*cough* Okay. I'm calm now...


Oh, now HERE is a nice list... from a CLASSROOM, no less! Teachers teach kids to VARY their words. Why the heck are writers not supposed to?

And NOW, A Delusional Thursday twist, because, THAT is what I do... Some dialog with my FAVORITE of the verbs on the list.



The Colonization of Spankmenow

For the uninitiated, Planet Spankmenow is a rather pleasant place, filled with Cabana boys, fruity rum drinks, and lots and lots of laughter (founded by the spaz, to be introduced soon). One arrives there by traversing the portal, otherwise known as 'the veil at the dais, in the Deathroom in the Ministry of Magic—this is a Harry Potter reference, people. And YES, you heard me. Sirius Black LIVES. And we have him in handcuffs. But I digress.

So a Queen, A Tart, A Cat, A Spaz, and Giraffe, go through a veil...

“Tail!” The cat hissed.

“Couldn't help myself,” the Spaz teased.

“You're old enough to be my mother!” the cat spat.

“Who isn't?” the Tart quipped.

“I'm not,” the Giraffe dared.

“Me neither,” the Queen sassed.

“You catching this?” the Spaz telepathically transmitted.

The Tart nodded and the two speculated the punishments of the wee ones non-verbally.

“Spare the Queen; she made our lovely outfits,” the Spaz pleaded.

“Yes, but her years of leadership ought to have taught her better!” the tart insisted. The Tart waved her wand and the lot of them were turned to newts.

“Sorry,” the Cat-Newt whimpered.

“Did you know we can climb walls like this!?” the Giraffe-Newt marveled.

“I have some really juicy gossip on the Tart if you change me back, Spaz,” the Queen tempted.

“Well...” speculated the Spaz.

“Okay, Sketchie,” the Tart reasoned with the Spaz, “Do you REMEMBER a certain Cowboy, Rockets lost weekend circa 2006?”

“Nup. Not bargaining!” the Spaz admitted.

But then the Tart, being a benevolent dominatrix, returned all to their original forms.

“Next time, kitty, Ix-nay on the other-may with your oddesses-gay... erm... or something like that...” the Tart angled-may.


So there you have it. Did you MISS 'said'? Can't it be more fun without?

Home Alone

Woot Woot! This NEVER happens. At least not for a solid several hours. See, at MY house, I'm the one who disappears to work for 40 hours a week (compounded by my hour each direction walk—or nearly that). The hubster is usually here, other than treks to the grocery store, hardware store or walks with the dog, none of which lasts more than about 90 minutes. Then evenings and weekends, the kids are usually here.

Not today. Hubby is at his class... which yesterday I informed you was a CNA class and it was annoyingly auto-corrected to a 'can' class—whatever the hell THAT implies *rolls eyes*.

So what am I going to do home alone? DUH? PAH-TAY!

Okay, so maybe not so much. I do have a couple things in mind though.


MY MUSIC

Anyone with teens understands that I don't get to choose what is played very often. At the moment, (because it is 9am) I have REM playing—an old CD that I like, but honestly, one even I don't usually pick because when it's my choice I've put in something loud like Jane's Addiction. But for blogging (as opposed to bathroom cleaning) I don't actually need Jane's adrenaline. 10,000 Maniacs is next in the pile... the stuff I used to listen to when I was being mellow that sort of feels like old friend music.

I'm even going to make a REAL pot of coffee, instead of this decaf crap left by the OTHER adult. And I've brought my laptop out of the cave so I can even sit with some sunlight...

Mother Issues

Then it's time to address the letter my mother finally sent. I've been avoiding this. I sent her one about mother's day detailing how to get THERE from HERE, and it took a while for her to get back. See, the trouble is she doesn't deal in reality. Her version of events are delusional, and if I try to present reality she gets defensive and shuts down (that is what led to this whole thing—she cut me off because I insisted we had to TALK about it—can't have THAT!). My mother's day letter said basically, sometimes the only way PAST it, is THROUGH it.

So at least now I know what SHE thinks reality is. I have some time to conquer this letter BACK to her.


Spreadsheets!!!!

Yes, I actually put exclamation points after the word spreadsheets. I'm a geek that way. I am creating two of them, one to keep track of my characters for my BuNoWriMo novel—When I write long hand, I have a notebook with all this, but I am going to be writing both at the computer AND longhand (so there will surely be a notebook involved to go back and forth) but when I'm on the computer, the quickest way to find facts (most often keeping names of secondary characters straight) is just to open my handy doc.  Besides, next to my computer, the stacks of paper are substantial already.

The SECOND spreadsheet is my wordcount one. With working on both a long hand and Word Doc, I need a quick, handy way to COMBINE the two to figure out how many words I've written on a given day and what my cumulative is. I know my longhand is between 250 and 300 words a page, so I am counting those as 250—yes, when I type it up, it translates almost to the page in my one inch margin, double spaced typing.

But besides the spreadsheet, I am also making a couple graphs, which I'm sure you'll get a screenshot or two of.


Powerwalk

I do this every Sunday (and Saturday) but it IS on the agenda, so don't want to leave it off the list. Normally Sunday is my pancakes day, so that 'no cooking' thing gives me a little extra time—heading for the hill. (Yes, there is only one substantial hill in the entire state of Michigan). I would walk this route every time, but it is far enough that it is a 90-minute walk to include it.

RIP Dennis Hopper

Nobody did evil wack-job quite the way Dennis Hopper did evil wack-job. I only hope I can infuse my bad guys with half of what he did. This beer snob may even have to go buy a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Thank you for chilling me to the bones, Dennis; you'll be missed!


Loose Ends

And we're no longer talking about my butt... Tomorrow I have a guest author, so this is my last Blog before BuNoWriMo starts, so I thought I'd give my heads up. I think I have 6 or 7 guest authors blogging in June, which is very handy, timing-wise. I will continue to have a (mostly) daily blog, but they probably won't be as long most of the time. I will also probably not hit as many blogs per day reading—I will make a serious effort to spread them out, so I hit the ones I hit at least a couple times a week, but the writing is going to suck me under to some degree. PLEASE don't think I've abandoned you. I will come out the other side, go into editing mode, and need all of you more than ever!

Round the Bend

Yes, I’ve had the accusation a bazillion times, and it is probably one of the few things y’all agree on about me, but this is a WRITING bend. I’ve been running against the wind for MONTHS now to make any progress on CONSPIRACY. Every word was painful. But FINALLY last night I think I have the wind at my back again.


Metaphors that DON’T Work (Okay. Maybe a bit)

I did NOT crest the proverbial hill… it is NOT now smooth sailing. I won’t coast or glide into home. I have to keep working my tail off (and hopefully as I work my tail off, I will also work my tail off… gotta keep that Book Tour Fitness Plan in mind!)

So this doesn’t mean we are home free and clear, folks… only that…

Okay, you know how you have a tube of lotion you haven’t used for a while, and you are trying to put some on, but it is the tiniest trickle… then SUDDENLY the dried crusty stuff unplugs and you get this squirt of lotion that you aren’t even sure what to DO with because it’s so much? THAT is what happens. It’s not a pretty metaphor though, naked tart dripping lotion everywhere because there just isn’t enough skin surface to put it on. And I HATE wasting…

You know, normally… if I NOTICE the lotion is plugged, I can stick a pin in there and clear out the gunk, but when I do that, I think I push as much gunk back IN as I clean off, so the SAME gunk comes back to haunt me later.  Seems that might be the case with the writing too... better to just let the rush happen.

(have I stretched this absurd metaphor too far now?) But it’s TRUE!


A Matter of Motivation

If there is a main difficulty I have with my writing, it is in motivating the bad guys. It is NEVER on my list first and unlike most of it, it is something I just can’t force, no matter how hard I try. Oh, sure… I have had art thieves intent on getting rich, but I needed to make this PERSONAL. I’ve been working under the premise that they were mad at people trying to stop them, but I’ve FINALLY got it, and it is better than that!

It’s funny, because I ran into the same thing with CONFLUENCE, have it to some degree in ILLUSIONS (the second of this trilogy) and it has been a problem with my as of yet unnamed and unfinished murder mystery… of my 6 books I’ve finished or written significantly on, it has been a problem for 4. Maybe I need to spend more time with bad guys… always thought I had it covered with my bad boy fetish, but mostly they’ve only ever been naughty.


So the News

I am THANKFULLY back to writing… sure, it just really got in the groove yesterday, but there is idea enough for at least the next few chapters, and I’ve never worried about the ending, anyway, so I think I should be able to stay on track (hopefully finish by the end of March).

LEGACY, the first in the trilogy, has had clean-up number one (there are two places with notes for additions, and then the third place to incorporate this new motivation thing—but as a draft, it is cleanish) and I sent that to first readers.

In April, when CONSPIRACY is done, hopefully ILLUSIONS is typed so it is fresher in my mind, and I have feedback, then I will do the LEGACY rewrite… and in a dream world, query in May.


Watch List

In the meantime, I’m being paranoid… I’ve checked out half a dozen or more books now on art theft… hopefully that hasn’t put me on a watch list. It is yielding some interesting and useful stuff, though no where near as interesting as the how to be a spy stuff. So if I am arrested for art espionage, I might need to call on you to testify that it is all for the sake of writing books…

Spy School

Much as I adore Joris, I sometimes hate to admit it when he suggests something and I resist, and then it turns out he’s right… it’s that Know-It-All thing… I’m one. He’s one. Inevitably there is a power struggle (or some pudding wrestling). The image in my head is of a mama cat smacking down a kitten that won’t leave her be… probably because he periodically meows at me, but in reality, the exercise is good for me.

For those of you who don’t know, Joris is my Dutch Boy (everybody needs one)… and okay, fine, he’s not entirely MINE, except if you were to use it in the form of MY friend, and he isn’t technically a BOY anymore—you’re 20, yes, Joris? But when I met him, he was only 16, so there’s my excuse. He does a ton of fabulous graphics things for me (which I am extremely thankful for because I ADMIT knowing nothing on THAT topic), frequently without even being asked, because he’s thoughtful (and I suspect likes to do graphic stuff when he’s avoiding term papers).

But I am the writer… (spelling mistakes corrected, fine, typos, okay… actual WRITING…. ME!)

This Particular Lesson

You may remember my requesting some reading on art thievery and spy training… I wanted fiction. I got some book recommendations.

Joris:  “if you’re doing research, why would you want fiction?” (this would be where the mama cat smacks him)

Me: “er… because it’s more interesting to read?” (aren't I articulate?)

It’s true. I am painfully intolerant of the fact list version of things most non-fiction has. I like a nice story woven in or frankly, I just can’t maintain my attention span.

So I read my two Iain Pears’ Art Theft books first… (and enjoyed them!)


By Way of Deception

From the PROLOGUE this book has been teaching me stuff I need for my NaNo novel. When Joris is right, he’s right. And what’s more shocking, it is a FASCINATING read. I’m only on about chapter 2—not very far in, but already I’m a mini-spy!

And YOU can be a Spy Too!

1) Never do everything if you can find MINIONS to do it for you! (look at my nice minions!  Okay, so they aren't so much minions as co-conspirators, but you see what I mean)
2) CONSTANT VIGILANCE! (which of course would go without saying, but it's so much FUN to say!)
3) Definitely carry a bar of soap when you go in a strangers house so you can copy their keys while they are getting you a snack.  You never know when you'll need to re-enter to copy documents or plant a bug, and you can't count on being that sexy stranger selling perfume more than once.
4) Never use the same route going anywhere because the people following you will otherwise figure out where you are going!
5) And this I’ve been saying for a long time… people will do pretty much ANYTHING if you are really nice and get naked.

Seriously though, I am getting great fodder for the part of my book that felt so difficult to grasp before—the stuff I never knew anything about and so was so jilted in writing…

So Joris, THANK YOU!

Tart Endorsement

Brought to you by NAKED THURSDAY!
And dedicated to the GURU of Snuggie, Kevin.

I’ve been on the fence for a long time on the Snuggie. As a dedicated nudist, I hold firm that clothes, particularly PANTS are evil (I even recently joined the pants as a swear word group on Facebook!—you can join too!), but I have to be honest. I run cold. I particularly run cold when I am trying to eat fewer calories than I burn (read: diet).

And it’s the dead of winter… the odds are stacking against me; can you feel it? So I look for options, if youknowwhatImean.

This just in! Slippers and Mittens are NOT Clothes!

They are ACCESSORIES, and therefore, okay by me. Though you should always be sure not to choose slippers that clash with your tiara.

So for some time now, slippers and a blanket have done this nudist just fine, except the blanket has these GAPS at the side that let cold air in! Man, I hate that—being 90% warm and having a strip up the side of my thigh freeze because the blanket has gaped.


Enter Snuggie Option

Now the benefits to this are obvious… It is enclosed on all sides except the head and arms… and it seems to me I see people walking in them, so perhaps the feet can exit when necessary.

But I was a skeptic… I mean REALLY, if you are entirely covered, isn’t that almost like CLOTHES?

And so, while holding warmth as GOOD and clothes as BAD, I have remained undecided about the Snuggie, until now.

SnuggieSutra —your answer to getting around all that fabric… to taking advantage of one of NUDITY’s advantages from the comfortable warmth of you Snuggie.

I could hardly withhold an endorsement with this new information, so there you have it… the Tart’s first official product endorsement. The Snuggie is Naked World Domination Tour friendly and strongly preferred to clothes.

Argument for Delusion

There are people all over the world who would argue delusion is a bad thing. These are the same stuffy people who always color in the lines, have never streaked and make their beds every day. The world is, in reality, more random than these people would like to believe, and it is easier to cope if we are just a little bit nuts.

Today my argument, is for delusion as a writing tool.

First… How it can help you keep going…

Delusions of the gorgeous men you keep locked in your basement can cheer you from any slump.

Delusions of eventual fame and fortune fit fabulously with thoughts of revenge when you receive rejections.

Delusions of muses dragging their trunks back up your front walkway can set you back on track after a slump.

Delusions of fanciful romps with porn stars can just go straight into the book.


But the real strength of Delusion…

You see… it’s an exercise… Let me e’splain…


Once upon a time, on a forum not so terribly far from here, I met a band of marauders… LADY Marauders… set on taking over the world. They initiated me into their membership… okay, so possibly I was among the founding members if we are getting technical… with a mission of total world domination (the nudity was my idea *waits for gasps of shock*). This is where the basement dungeon idea was first communicated, and then I learned about Planet Spankmenow, and life has never been the same.

Delusional Thursday: A History

Anyway… we got to thinking about our reign… how we could influence others… and you know how people are hesitant to say… move somewhere without visiting first? Take on a religion without investigating the required practices? Start writing a book with no clue... Well I thought (yes me… this is my marketing background *puffs up*) maybe BABY doses… a little TASTE of it all… might help people dive in and embrace it.

I chose Thursday because… well… I was born on a Thursday. Isn’t the saying ‘Thursday’s Child is Loony as all get out”? You know the saying I’m talking about, right? So Delusional Thursday was born.

Now this forum was for ‘predicting what would happen’ in the final Harry Potter book (but it doesn’t need to be—y’all know I’m a geek that way, but the lesson holds anyway). And my premise was, on Thursday, anything goes—no matter HOW far out and nuts it was, Thursday predictions were for entertainment and stretching our imaginations. It was to shake things up and keep things fresh.

And do you know what was born out of Delusional Thursday? A writer. (at least one). Because that process of trying to rationalize the absurd, fit in the bizarre so it was believable and plausible was an incredible lesson in what is fresh and interesting. It led me to some theories I may never otherwise have voiced, and trying to PROVE them (never mind I originally professed them as delusional) resulted in the first long stories I ever wrote.

Reinforcements

I spent some time at a website yesterday reading ‘successful query letters’ and then the agents reasons they thought the letters were so good. Do you know what the most stand-out feature was of those letters? Some KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF strange idea. Somebody had thought of something so INCREDIBLY novel, and written a book about it.

Now I’ve read some books based in these very strange ideas and the ideas aren’t always so strange when you get down to the BOOK, but they are fresh and interesting because they are tales we haven’t seen before. I’m coming to believe that is how you break in… nailing a normal story onto a very strange idea… Or at LEAST including enough really unique elements—things that make a reader sit up and take notice.

So I am advocating for the practice of spending a little time each Thursday thinking of really bizarre things and then ways those could actually fit into a REAL story…

Go on. Delude yourself.  It's good for your soul.  It will make you laugh.  And while you're at it... it may just give you your next great idea.