Collective Grief

I feel a little like I don't have a right to address this topic... inadequate, a step removed. But it is a hard one to get past or around. I think I need to write through it.

You see, a woman one class ahead of me in high school was shot in the head by her husband on Friday. My personal profile Facebook page is full of it. Grief. Disbelief. The ones that make me cry are the wishes for peace. I really hope she has found it.

I didn't know her well—maybe two or three conversations ever, which is a sort of low number considering she was close to one of my close friends. But she was a larger than life personality. Loud—she laughed loud, she shouted across rooms and parking lots and fields. There was never any doubt she was there. But, as she was a year older, I found that intimidating, even though in the few direct interactions I had, she was always nice.

But she was a tough girl. In my generation, very few girls physically fought, but I remember hearing about a few with her. You see, she developed early, and so I think was subject to a level of peer speculation, rumors, attention, that can be hard for a young girl to cope with. I admire that she got tough instead of letting people talk crap behind her back, especially as I'm sure much of it was untrue.


I guess the thing I keep thinking now is... did that level of abuse continue into her adulthood? Did her peers talk crap even later? I didn't hear anything even by high school... teens have short attention spans and I'm sure had moved onto other fodder.  On Facebook I wasn't friends with her—I just didn't feel I knew her well enough to ask. But we shared a lot of friends so I 'saw' her a lot. She seemed happy—pictures looked happy, comments seemed happy. I had thought 'good for her'. I don't want to think now that that happiness was an illusion. I want to believe she really found it.

According to the newspaper, it happened like this: he shot her in the head, they together tried to make it to a neighbor's, she collapsed in the driveway and he got to the door begging them to call 9-1-1. This was a man clearly devastated by what he'd done. He put his hands up when the police arrived. He didn't try to argue. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Regret doesn't reverse anything.

How does a relationship go this wrong? The liberal in me wants to say this is a hell of an argument against keeping firearms in the home. But there HAD to be other disfunction besides just owning guns. A lot of people own guns without shooting family members. Heck, I grew up in a house with guns and the biggest accident was when some boys (friends of mine) dumped shot pellets down the garbage disposal.--that led to the lock on the gun room (yes, we had a gun room—the GUNS had been locked in a cabinet... apparently the ammo had not).


I know for a fact domestic violence is everywhere. I know people who live in it usually come from a history of it—both abuser and abused. I DON'T know if that was the situation here. The neighbors said they fought a lot, but the image in my head is she probably gave as good as she got most of the time. I don't see her being a scared, cowed woman. I think her husband would have shown a lot less remorse if he felt he was superior or tougher. I might be completely wrong, but I think rather than a stereo-typical domestic violence situation, they were people who had trouble reining it in when they fought... people who maybe could have benefited from some skills in discussion--behavioral therapy.

I don't know what can be done. I mean for a more traditional situation, I feel like offering help—getting the victims to shelters, making sure they know they aren't alone—all those are great steps. But how much do we know about our neighbors?


A house around the corner had a bunch of furniture on the lawn a few weeks back... I suspect a cheating spouse, only because that is what would cause ME to put all HWMNBMOTI's stuff out in the yard. I have no clue if their immediate neighbors knew there was trouble... I have no clue if THEY knew there was trouble. A drastic move like that seems like a sudden discovery.

Anyway, I just want to throw out some love and healing karma to my friends and to Bobbi's family. This is so sad, and I really wish there were a way to speed the healing. And I wish there were a way to help all the families going through this.

If you are, or if you know somebody who is... find someone you can trust. Tell someone. If it is the case of fights that just get out of control, take this as evidence you really need to learn to cool off the situations, because in the heat of the moment, it could really get THIS BAD.