Fighting an Infection

This is a strained metaphor in poor taste, but y'all KNOW I can't help myself.

So two weeks ago, I was walking home from work, reading (as usual) and not really paying much attention. The day before in the same spot (I remembered after the fact) lighting had downed a big branch. I'd stopped to assess the two squashed cars and people standing around saying, 'this sucks!' as having your car squashed by a large branch does INDEED suck.

Now in my defense, I WAS paying enough attention not to walk into that downed branch the day before... but when everything had been cleared away... well I only have so much attention to spare... so I stepped on a stick. No big deal, right. Stick, schmick. WRONG! The stick was curved and forked and obviously EVIL. It popped up and positioned itself so that it could IMPALE my calf!

Now it hurt pretty bad, and I swore at the stick (which didn't have the decency to even apologize) and I kept walking... until I felt the trickle... I looked more closely. Apparently being impaled causes BLOOD. I got out a cloth from my bag (the emergency back up hanky) and applied pressure, then I LOOKED at the darned thing... Being impaled ALSO leaves a big freaking hole in the leg (assuming the leg is where you were impaled.) It was only a flesh wound though, so I hobbled home, cleaned it up, put on a bandage... and have proceeded to have an unattractive wound on my leg for a few weeks now.

Last week my boss, who normally works in another building and had been on vacation for a week to boot, saw this and freaked out. Had I seen a doctor? Had I used hydrogen peroxide to clean it? Did I want her to call me in a prescription for anti-biotics? No. No. and No. The hydrogen peroxide WOULD have been a yes, if we HAD any, but there was none. Soap and water had had to suffice. But a DOCTOR? Anti-biotics? For an (admittedly ugly) wound that is no worse that say... a skinned knee?

And Here We Come to Philosophy Differences

My boss, the MD, puts great stock in MEDICINE. The Tart, a nudist, naturalist, and environmentalist, sort of thinks sometimes it is best to let nature take its course. I'm not STUPID. I get my tetnus shots when they force me—which would be, I think, the only infection I couldn't handle. But I happen to think our bodies need practice fighting these MINOR things, so there are anti-bodies built up for BIGGER stuff--the stuff they don't even KNOW about yet that is mutating BECAUSE we use medicine for everything and those bugs think they have a right to exist too.

I don't get a flu shot. I would have exposed my kids to chicken pox instead of getting THAT shot except my husband had never had them, and for an adult they can be so dangerous. I don't take medicine unless it is BAD—the bottle of acetaminophen in my office EXPIRED in 2006 and is still half full... that is how rarely I resort to it.

I've noticed that every time one of my kids switches schools, we have a bad year for colds and minor inflictions... it is a NEW batch of germs and we need to learn to fight them. And we do... the next year it is better... in fact now that my kids are 15 and 11, I think we have most of the Ann Arbor germs down...

Now I may be totally cracked. In fact in other domains, I'm quite sure of it. But I think this serves me pretty well, most of the time.


And there is a WRITING Metaphor (as always, ne?)

We could do our writing and then send it on to a professional editor (the literary MD)... they could work with it and hammer it out so it's nice and lovely, yes? And we may be successful there, and it might be a PERFECT solution. But then we'd write our next book, and we only would have learned a few of the lessons of the hammering out. We only would have gotten the peripheral benefit of watching and listening. We WOULD NOT have the experience of doing it ourselves.

Yes, doing it ourselves takes longer. Yes it's more painful. Yes, there is typically whiskey involved. But the next time it comes around, the required skills are in our docket, practiced and ready to go, so it is EASIER. We may have another tier of lessons when we try a new genre, or target a new audience, or hit a new milestone, but by being primary participants, I think we are better equipped to get stronger and grow.

This is NOT necessarily a self-publish endorsement, as in some cases I think THAT is more like deciding to go to school sick and spreading your germs (not always... some people have mastered the self-healing powers and are good to go)--I just feel compelled to point out that putting on clothes and stepping out the door is not a clean bill of health.

But mostly, I think the personal effort to conquer these things is good for us, as it arms us for future fights.

I know I said not this weekend, but as it is now WRITTEN, I think this will work for the Sunday/Monday blog... so there...

People Are Strange

And by people, I mean... well me. Though technically I am usually only one person. I am only PEOPLE on Thursdays. But yesterday, I got a FABULOUS Award from Simon Larter (who is quite strange, as HE clearly earned the award himself). Simon is obviously quite mad... the good kind of mad. He is sometimes hysterically funny, sometimes the epitome of snark. So what IS this strangeness award?

Text plagiarized from Simon: See, this is part of a contest being run by Cate Gardner, whose book of short stories, Strange Men in Pinstripe Suits[http://www.strangemeninpinstripesuits.com/], is forthcoming from Strange Publications[http://strangepublications.blogspot.com/]. To enter, all one does is pass along the award to other strange types and let Cate know about it to be entered for one of two prize packages (rules here).

Obviously, instead of being a man in a pinstriped suit, I will be a woman with a pinstriped tattoo, but I will accessorize so as to be a woman dressed as a man dressed as a woman... 


And so I went delving through my favorite blogs to determine which could be determined truly STRANGE... and so with much prancing about naked, I pass on the Strange Blog Award to:


Blog O' Cheese: Abe is a first grade teacher, which would make pretty much ANYBODY strange, but as evidenced by such blogs as the Pooping Bandit, he truly has embraced the ideology.

Boonsong Somboon's Thailand Photos: Boonsong has a delightful tone to his description that lets you know he means something completely different... talking about how lucky his wife is by describing the things she has to put up with. I am learning a TON about Thailand, but the STRANGE is something you may have to aesthetically absorb... maybe it is the house gecko, or the yard cows... I just love his perspective. It's STRANGE!


Falen Formulates Fiction: Sarah is pretty amusing and clearly a little zany, but the strangeness comes in when Yvie takes over. Yvie is a NUT! (and a dog) and I love her excitement and Friday words. Also love the critter strangeness.

The Giraffability Of Digressions: Mari has truly beautiful observation skills that can make even the most mundane observations into hysterical stories. I particularly love her word-smithery—very creative. To her credits are Hing, Ne, Giraffability, and the religion of Digressionism.


Procrastion Princess: Tara is wacky and bizarre. She would have us believe it is because she is Welsh, and having Welsh blood myself, I am willing to buy that, but the idea that a whole (near) country (former country?)... how do you classify Wales, when it is part of Britain? Anyway, all you need to do is check out Tara's Taff stuff to know how strange SHE is.

Quiddity Of Delusion: Mark writes speculative fiction, which probably is an adequate synonym for strangeness without further explanation. I love Mark's humor, and I particularly love his strange take on nearly everything.

Random Thoughts From a Beer Wench:  ET is strange in a little different way than most of these... it's like taking a hit of speed and diving into beer... literally... her energy jumps off the page at you (she actually has TWO blogs, and the erotica one is also fabulous, but a little more serious on the writing front)... The beer stuff is nearly always a little trippy.



You know I DID observe that I seem to have known the MAJORITY of these strange people for quite some time... I think we are drawn to each other.




On a few other notes:

I saw some FABULOUS blogs this week... they don't really fit with the STRANGE theme, but they still need to be recommended:

Elizabeth shared a link this week on how to write better and it is GREAT: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/jacketcopy/2010/07/janet-fitchs-10-rules-for-writers.html

Not Hannah had a truly moving post this week on facing one of life's truly difficult moments: http://www.imnothannah.com/2010/08/tom-delay-can-kiss-it.html



And just to let you know... I am SORELY behind on typing, so this weekend I am going to take a break... I will be back Monday. Have a FABULOUS weekend!

HEAR ME!

So today I am also at Burrowers, Books & Balderdash, reviewing some dozen or so books I've never read (as it's Delusional Thursday and all), so I'd love you to come by THERE for some reading recommendations!

But for HERE...

So there is a point of confusion I have, and I thought maybe we should talk about it. We ALL know Adverbs are evil, ne? We carefully perform an Adverbectomy on our very first rewrite... adverbs are TELL, not SHOW. Got it. That isn't the part that confuses me.

What confuses me is MANY agents and publishers say that for dialog tags, they ONLY use said or asked. I've read several blogs to this effect—I swear I'm not making it up. And I want to know

WHY!?!?


I thought maybe I'd review a list of synonyms of 'said' and we could talk about what the heck is so wrong with them, because I don't get it.

Synonyms when I looked it up: Added, continued, stated, announced, asserted, commented, declared, observed, remarked, reported.

Okay, I take it back. For THESE, I get why we stick to said. These mostly seem like they are trying too hard, but what about:

Whispered: This is a word that gives an indication of mood, tone... it is a pretty darned descriptive verb.

Shouted: I suppose in some situations, I suppose an exclamation point will suffice, but when a name needs to be paired, the 'said' is just STUPID when shouting is meant.

Muttered (I have characters in EVERY book who want to mutter!) What the heck is WRONG with muttering! It is a personality indicator!

*cough* Okay. I'm calm now...


Oh, now HERE is a nice list... from a CLASSROOM, no less! Teachers teach kids to VARY their words. Why the heck are writers not supposed to?

And NOW, A Delusional Thursday twist, because, THAT is what I do... Some dialog with my FAVORITE of the verbs on the list.



The Colonization of Spankmenow

For the uninitiated, Planet Spankmenow is a rather pleasant place, filled with Cabana boys, fruity rum drinks, and lots and lots of laughter (founded by the spaz, to be introduced soon). One arrives there by traversing the portal, otherwise known as 'the veil at the dais, in the Deathroom in the Ministry of Magic—this is a Harry Potter reference, people. And YES, you heard me. Sirius Black LIVES. And we have him in handcuffs. But I digress.

So a Queen, A Tart, A Cat, A Spaz, and Giraffe, go through a veil...

“Tail!” The cat hissed.

“Couldn't help myself,” the Spaz teased.

“You're old enough to be my mother!” the cat spat.

“Who isn't?” the Tart quipped.

“I'm not,” the Giraffe dared.

“Me neither,” the Queen sassed.

“You catching this?” the Spaz telepathically transmitted.

The Tart nodded and the two speculated the punishments of the wee ones non-verbally.

“Spare the Queen; she made our lovely outfits,” the Spaz pleaded.

“Yes, but her years of leadership ought to have taught her better!” the tart insisted. The Tart waved her wand and the lot of them were turned to newts.

“Sorry,” the Cat-Newt whimpered.

“Did you know we can climb walls like this!?” the Giraffe-Newt marveled.

“I have some really juicy gossip on the Tart if you change me back, Spaz,” the Queen tempted.

“Well...” speculated the Spaz.

“Okay, Sketchie,” the Tart reasoned with the Spaz, “Do you REMEMBER a certain Cowboy, Rockets lost weekend circa 2006?”

“Nup. Not bargaining!” the Spaz admitted.

But then the Tart, being a benevolent dominatrix, returned all to their original forms.

“Next time, kitty, Ix-nay on the other-may with your oddesses-gay... erm... or something like that...” the Tart angled-may.


So there you have it. Did you MISS 'said'? Can't it be more fun without?

You Like It... HOW?

Blogs, people! Get your minds out of the gutter!!! Or rather... leave them there, but take this two tiered journey with me.

I've been really busy this week... swamped, in fact, and it has made me notice some things about how I read (or choose not to read) blogs. When I have to limit, I have to limit... and there are some criteria I use. You may use DIFFERENT criteria. I am willing to bet you do. But I think there are some things that might be interesting to discuss... and if I'm not the only one (though I could be) to think about.



When Was Our Last?

I confess to feeling far more obligation to visit those who have visited me relatively recently. There. I said it. You love me. I'll love you back. Mutual appreciation is a good thing. There is an equity bank here... if you are really regular for a long time, then long gaps are forgiven pretty easily. Forgiven of course, overstates it... I'm not ANGRY. But there there is a time debt—THAT is what is forgiven...


Blogfests

I really enjoy certain kinds... the kind where everybody shares this or that... favorite songs, movies, albums... Those are a blast. The shared scenes though... Those take better preparation to participate on a writing end, but also more CONCENTRATION to read that I usually have in my allocated blog reading time. Even when I am almost all caught up, it is rare I read these. It isn't that I don't like them. It is that I feel obliged, if I commit, to reading them RIGHT, and I just don't have time to do that most of the time. My blog time is at about half my necessary attention span.


Contests

Okay, I'm sure I'm freaky here. I mean... I am super cheap and I LOVE winning stuff. But so often contests are a lot of work to win a lot of points, and honestly... I'm just not doing it. I don't have the TIME. “Follow and comment” I am in. Tweeting is easy enough. But because so many of them require so much, I often don't even look if I'm busy unless you have a lot of commenting equity.



The Experts

There are several blogs I follow because I think they post helpful stuff but they are by 'experts' (agents, famous-er authors—meaning more famous than my famous author FRIENDS with the whole tit-for-tat blogging thing—I mean the people breathing rarified air, and then the publishing industry folks from larger). Normally I love to read these, but when I am busy, they don't need my love like all of YOU PEOPLE who are HERE reading.



Great Advice

There are a couple of YOU GUYS that give great info, too. And I definitely try to hit these most of the time. These require some brain power, so sometimes they get pushed back to home time, or even a day later, but I DO try to look.

Light Entertainment

These require LITTLE brain activity and might even brighten an otherwise stressful day... they get my first round of reads...


So what about you?  When you are crunched, how do you prioritize?



Now for Amends

If YOU are a follower and comment at least now and again, and if you are not in my sidebar, that is an OVERSIGHT on my part. I TRY to go look at everyone new who follows or comments, but when I get busy, I fall down. (and the FACEBOOK followers are out of order, so I don't have a CLUE who the new adds are) Please look for your blog in my sidebar, and if it is not there, give me a poke, spanking or wet willy, as seems appropriate. It is my intention to fully reciprocate, but as I think I've made clear, I am often DISTRACTED. So please give me a prod and I will add you.



And FINALLY, a little MORE spread of love. Authors promoting Authors are doing a dealy bob to support women's businesses... it is probably best to just share their words.

***

From Woman's Worth Promotions: http://womansworthpromotions.blogspot.com/
To launch the Woman's Worth Promotions, we are running a contest starting the first week of September.
Every day from September 1st to September 7th, a woman owned business will be profiled.

Each profile will have their own post-their own direct link.

At the end of the week, on September 8th, voting will open.

The profile with the most votes will be awarded one month of free publicity services of their choice.

 If you would like to take part in this contest, send an email to womansworthpromotions@gmail.com with the word "Contest" in the subject line. Include a brief bio, a blurb about your company/service, a JPEG image, your links and a personal tidbit.

Woman's Worth Promotions reserves the right to refuse entry into the contest based on exceeding number of entries and suitability. If your entry is rejected, you will receive a note explaining why but will be given the opportunity to be featured on the Woman's Worth Promotions blog.

Pushy and Mean

First, a disclaimer: I am training somebody this week at work, was on vacation last week, and have a half dozen largish deadlines. I will still blog hop, but will maybe only hit the blogs I try to regularly hit about half as often this week. I apologize, but so rolls the ball. I just can't really do any of it from work, and normally I hit about half of what I hit while there.

So back to the blog...

The Pushy Story

So I got blindsided this week by a STORY IDEA (two actually, but one is a short, and manageable) and it (the long one now) won't leave me alone. I have no time for it. I have a Cozy to edit, then at least one of my others to finally get into shape, so I have slated it for my NaMoWriMo... but it WON'T STOP PESTERING ME! Pick Pick Pick Pick Pick....

Definitely a YA... and did I mention it is a murder mystery? Do they DO YA murder mysteries? It is NOT cozy... I'm liking the ideas though.

What is it about some ideas that they take hold like that, and will NOT be ignored. I've had one that made me drop a different book for it (that other book still sits, half finished). And I have some that just patiently wait until I am ready for them. Is it the characters involved? Is it the plot? Any of you have a clue?

Mean MCs.

So I am reading a book right now, which I am not yet naming, as I have just got onto a character who I like better than the first, but the first 40 pages were from a guy who is just hard to like. It isn't that he dislikable exactly, but I haven't found anything to grasp onto that I really sympathize yet... he's a cold fish—hard to know--who gets himself in a bind and sort of wanders willingly into trouble. Now I THINK it is because the author needs us to doubt him the whole book (is he the murderer?) and I REALLY like character number two already (in only about 5 pages) so the BOOK is promising. And I LIKE some ambiguity, but at the moment I am wondering how risky it might have been to start with the unlikeable guy. I mean the book seems to be doing okay, but is anyone getting lost?

But it brings up several questions.

How important is liking? Sympathy? Identifying? Does intrigue make up for it?

And when does likeable have to happen? Is there a point of no return? Do they have to be likeable by a certain point for the book to be redeemable? Can a convincing show of delusion make up for it? (Lolita comes to mind—a beautiful book with an ultimately unlikeable MC).

I guess I can think of examples of very dislikable characters that had a certain CHARM or WHIMSY. Death in The Book Thief wasn't LIKABLE exactly, but he was still sympathetic.

Am I insane? Are there people who like dark, unredeemed MCs? Anybody out there okay with Crime & Punishment (and WHY?--though I guess he sort of learns his lesson, but not enough for me.)


And NOW, to counterbalance all the negative energy... Evidence that I have FABULOUS friends!

My friend Rissa made this for me... Do you recognize me? The Tarty Llama in the wine glass (con tiara) with my man-minion llama and duck companions?

It is of note that there are NO PANTS in this picture.

AH! Love you, Rissa!

Bonding at Sam's Club

A Little History

So when my kids were little we had a Sam's Club membership. It wasn't that I loved Sam's Club—after all, it is owned by the evil WALLMART, but when I had a child in diapers... three pets... A house to maintain... it just was sort of a necessity. Our area HAD no CostCo [read: highly preferable warehouse store] at the time (the existing CostCo's are still a comparatively long way away). So Sam's Club it was.

I worked full time. My husband was the 'at home' dad. So on the weekends I had the kids—he was fed-up and I sort of needed some bonding time. My husband was UNWILLING to do the Sam's Club trip because he had already acquired the delusion that we were made of money and the whole concept annoyed him. So to Sam's Club with the small childings it was...

Eight YEARS (part of which, my family looked like this—miniature kids and me at goal weight)... twice a month (or thereabouts)... the kids and me... Sam's Club. My son—you may not know this—is called Sam. And as small children are inclined to do... he figured if it was called 'Sam's Club' it was HIS. Never mind that the concept of a child having his own warehouse store is a little wonky. He would say, 'there's my club!' as we approached.

About two years ago the savings from the membership sunk under the membership cost... we haven't had a membership because between the drive and our current need, it just really wasn't quite worth it anymore.

But this weekend they had a 'anyone can come in' weekend, so my husband asked if it was a good idea to make a trip... Sure... there is some stuff we could use... I threw it out. BOTH KIDS REALLY wanted to go with me. WTF? They are 15 and 11 now, and they wanted to give up half their Saturday to go to Sam's Club with me? WITH EACH OTHER?

The Trip

(not my ACTUAL shopping cart... just representative) So I got them up at noon—they ARE teens, after all... got them fed... and off we went. They joked the entire time about 'buying in bulk' whatever they saw, they suggested we needed to buy in bulk... 'look, mom—there is a pack of nine phones. We could put one in the bathroom' *rolls eyes* Our house doesn't have nine rooms—no, wait... it has exactly nine rooms... but we'd need a phone in the storage room and laundry room... They negotiated—'you get to pick two snacks, I get to get two snacks.' They harassed me over things they were sure we needed and got all nostalgic over things we used to buy (I gave in and bought snack packs of applesauce). I guess what really struck me though, is that other than a couple movies, the three of us haven't done much with all three of us in a long time, and I think they really MISSED these Saturdays shopping together... such an ODD thing to get nostalgic about, but they WERE. And I really liked it, too. So there you have it... you never know where the moments might poke through. Take them where they come.


On that EXCITING note, I bought two thumb drives and two packs of NOTEBOOKS!!! I salivate when I buys notebooks. I love them... spiral. Three ring... Each one is a novel to me. And because it was Sam's Club, I have 10 of them... 10 novels sitting in the chair WAITING to be written. Makes me all squiggly just thinking about it! And blue, medium point pens! SQUEEEEEEEE!

The Ivy Wars

The day started soupy, the air it was moist.
The Tart woke up early, to blog was her choice.
Thing One, she was needy; it always is true.
And shopping was needed, the right thing to do.

Then mother and daughter, watched some vamps on TV.
True Blood had been borrowed, episodes four and three.
Dinner was uneventful, though Thing One had a date.
Then the Tart got to typing, because the Cozy is late.

Not long after dinner, Mr. Tart gave a shout:
“I chopped down the Ivy.” The Tart was put out.
There ensued strings of cursing, and a trip to buy rum.
He's lucky she's a pacifist, Or it would have been a gun.

**********

You see... Mr. Tart and I have a deep philosophical disparity where 'growing things' are concerned... He likes thing neat and tidy. Like this:  (note:  it remains unclear where the income for such a garden would come from as he seems to be unwilling to make up the difference between 'barely making it'--the Tart's contribution, and this high life.)

Where I like to let things GO a little and see what kind of magic might happen:



But this battle of the pruning shears is old. My first recollection of it was with the Arbivida in Portland. Our house, at each corner (and because of the shape of the house, there were several) had arbivida... He wasn't overly fond, but I liked having something to break up the lines that was always green. Then one day he gets this pruning wild hair and they all ended up looking like Q-tips. GRRRRRRRRR!

One does NOT treat a shrubbery like poodles!

Erm.... unless that's the look you are going for, but no arbivida in history has ever pulled this off...



That was not the ONLY other episode of assault on greenery... there have been endless greenery assaults over the years (the butterfly bush ambush... the wonky pine assault...)... BUT THIS IS WAR!

The north side of our house has been home to Ivy—completely covering all of it (including, usually, the windows) but it has personality and LIFE. My husband gripes that it is bad for the mortar. Mortar, schmortar, I say! If I planned on living here 50 years, I might worry more. But the fact is, in 10 years, I plan to be obscenely wealthy, so I will REPAIR the blasted mortar before we buy our tropical island. Erm... or not... but I DO hold strongly to the belief that LIFE is about beauty and comfort, not about the freaking mortar. (not to mention I don't believe this is the kind of Ivy that IS hard on the mortar—it is on every University building in town, and I really doubt they would be so cavalier.) My REAL issue, is not being consulted. AT ALL. About him tearing away the life and personality of a place because he likes things 'neat'.

So until further notice, Mr. Tart is in the dog house. So there.  And next year... to get even... I'm planting BLACKBERRIES!  BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Bad For Me

I set of listy wisties, on things that are bad for.... THINGS...

Bad for the DIET

Time off
Chinese food for breakfast
Humidity (as an exercise obstacle)
Fatigue (as an exercise obstacle)
Self pity
Potato chips
Really good beer
Pool parties
Stress

Matinees
Rum
VACATION

(you may be able to tell I did NOT in fact get back on track this week)


Bad for the WRITING

Obsessions with catching up on TV series (Grey's Anatomy and True Blood)
Matinees
Pool Parties
Rum
VACATION

(Though in actuality, the WRITING is done, so the obstacles are interfering with typing and editing and I think I've been clear on how I feel about the editing...)

So I am leaving it short this week, as I am on my last weekend of VACATION and hopefully getting back to a routine will knock everything else back into line. (I can hope, yes?)

Gates of Hell

I finished my first draft of the Cozy on Wednesday night, which makes me happy, as it gives me PLENTY of editing time, which I know it needs... there are definitely some weak spots and it will need a nice organized rewrite... but MAN... Editing is SO PAINFUL! It is best to go in with eyes wide open though, so I present to you, the Nine Rings of Editing Hell:


First Ring: Limbo

The vanity ring—or limbo... you can even pretend you are NOT yet editing... this is the cleaning up that needs to be done so you don't humiliate yourself when you send it to your critique partners... it is basic typos, grammar, large gaping wound clean up—the kind of corrections that hurt you not at all—there is little pain involved. It is superficial and frankly pointless, as everything will need to be cleaned again. And again. And again. But we have some modicum of self respect, and don't want our fellow writer's to realize the bonehead typing that occurs when the kids are fighting and the husband is nagging. The punishment at this level is in being able to see both how sweet success would BE, and how FAR we have to go to get there.

Second Ring: Lust

This is where you hope your hotter than hot critique partners are the answer for everything—that a wave of their wand will provide the approval you need and it is all enjoyment from here. Sadly, if they are good critique partners (and they are, or you wouldn't have chosen them) they are going to point out all your flaws and will NOT tell you how to fix them, but just what needs fixing. This will send you into a spiral of depression.



Third Ring: Gluttonous

This is where you indulge in the fantasy of how satisfying this book might be, if only you could put in all the missing parts... sadly, it is more about over-indulgence—adding content on a whim, because you just want to be sated, but nothing seems to do the trick.... Oh, poor empty soul...



Fourth Ring: Avaricious and Prodigal

At this point you begin to worry about what will be most impressive. You pull out all your books on symbolism, story structure... read a few passages in Anna Karenina, hoping it will rub off. You are seeing some light, and it is a shiny, nobel prize kind of light. You are SURE you are all that, or could be, with just the right turn of phrase.

Fifth Ring: Wrathful and Sullen

You decide what is necessary is a lot of angry torturing of your characters—they don't suffer enough and it is THEIR fault your book is not good. You feel compelled to add in some torture scenes, infidelity. More tension? I'LL GIVE YOU TENSION!


Sixth Ring: Heretical

You realize it is CRAP. YOU are crap! Your book is a false idol and you've given it power it should never have. It is time to exorcize the beast—just put it out of its misery. You contemplate the shredder.


Seventh Ring: Violent

Say it with me: KILL YOUR DARLINGS! It is time to just cut out the crap and slash up the bad blood. There is a lot of this that just needs to GO and you need to be ruthless!


Eighth Ring: Fraudulent

You briefly contemplate rewording everything to mock the style of the latest best seller. There was a time you would have mocked nineteenth century greats, but everybody knows none of them could sell a book in this day and age.

Ninth Ring: Treachery

This is where your novel jumps up and b*tchslaps you and says “HA! Joke's on YOU, sucker!” Fortunately, if you can wrestle your novel to the ground at this point, chances are high that you can identify the treacherous pieces.


So I am ready for my descent... if by ready, I mean, have purchased a back up half gallon of rum. I've put my golden snitch on a string, to keep reminding me I can soar, if I just don't get discouraged. I've lined up my peeps, for the back-up function I desperately need them to perform (thank you ladies—ALL of you—you are superstars!) And I will make it out the other side... (never mind that ANOTHER editing project will follow)



Fantabulous Contest

Normally I tweet or FB share these, but skip the blog part—not normally big on contests, but this one has some loot I really want, so... Lola Sharp, who is a kindred spirit (I suspect she is actually a Tart) is giving away some stuff... so go check it out, and if you decide to follow her (which you should) tell her I sent you... She just went to Maine, so she has some GROOVY Stephen King-y stuff (including 'On Writing') and a magnet that looks like Pennywise *shivers *

Toilets and Editing

So because it is summer, we thought forcing our children into labor was a nice character-building experience (though our children are much older and less content than this laboring child). Our son, ever the miser, is pretty much willing to do anything for money. Our daughter, on the other hand, thinks her time is worth a treasure trove, and there is nothing we could pay her that would be equal to the work time she puts in. We have to disallow all social contact until certain requirements are met, because she is 'all that' otherwise, she will do NOTHING.

Her task yesterday was the bathroom. She cleans much like my husband, but even MORE annoyingly superficially. My husband hates my piles and stacks, but he's never lifted a THING to clean under it. He tidies, I SCRUB. My daughter doesn't even angle to clean the exposed, but not obvious, just yet.

Oddly though, she was thoroughly offended with my RECLEANING the toilet.

And thus begins the writing metaphor.


Sometimes we WANT to know... we want to keep improving... and sometimes we just prefer to get away with what we can. It depends on our goals, I suppose... and how much of ourselves we invest in the identity.

My daughter has no identity whatsoever tied up in our toilet (which is probably good, cleanliness notwithstanding). I suppose that means the bathroom is NOT her book.


But what does it mean for the rest of us?


So do we want a white glove test of our stuff? Do we want to be our own worst critic, obsessed with the quality of EVERYTHING? Do we want to have an impressive entry to just lure people into the house? Maybe an impressive entry can intrigue a decorator who can guide us through the improvements we need?

I guess my philosophy is clean it so it is approachable, then have a nice PARTY and ask the opinions of our friends on how we ought to rearrange... then we choose the suggestions that seem really groovy—do THOSE and then clean it up before inviting the important people over. Because if we take ALL the suggestions, it is no longer our house. And if it is too sterile, then it is boring.

But how we want to clean it is ultimately a decision of personality and goal. I am not a clean person—I know that. I ask for help. Some people are VERY clean.... Probably there are some non-writing types so clean they are too boring to produce anything interesting (my bias against cleanliness is probably showing).


So how do you like to go about your cleaning? Are you tempted to pretend it is clean before it it done? Are you too hard on yourself?


And a little game, courtesy of Rosie C. who tagged everyone interested, but of course, suffering from FOMS, I am pretty much always interested....

1. Your name/Blog's name
2. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
3. What are your favorite letters to write?
4. What are your least favorite letters to write?
5. Write: "The quick, brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."
6. In CAPS, write: "BABOON, SPLENDOR, ONOMATOPOEIA, FLIP-FLOPS, HUZZAH!"
7. Your favorite song lyrics are?
8. Make sure you tag 7 people to join in on the fun.
9. Tickle your fancy and add a special quip for us to enjoy.

1.  Hart Johnson/Confessions of a Watery Tart
2.  Right handed. HOPELESSLY right handed.
3.  A, D, T and lower case b, f, q, x, y and z.
4.  C, I, U. Nothing lower case bugs me.
5 and 6 -->
7.You Learn (Alanis Morrisette)
8.Consider yourself tagged.

9.  It's THURSDAY and you know what THURSDAY means!!!

(these are the bedside books you would have if you are ever a house guest at the Tart's house.)


Okay my friends—hope you have a fabulous day!

Really Great Sex: A Writing Lesson

So an old friend and I were sharing an innuendo filled conversation recently, and it occurred to me that the KEY to really fabulous sex has been wavering and floating me around all this time. Really fabulous, mind-blowing sex is NOT about specific technique (oh sure, that can't hurt)--it's about KNOWING what your partner wants, or... more subtly...getting them to want what you have to offer. And the communication of what they want is NOT necessarily transferred right there on the spot, or, if you are ME, what you are going to end up with is GIGGLING sex, not mind-blowing sex. Boys seem to like all those naughty words... to me they are mostly a bit of ridiculum.

No, the REAL answer is to have been paying attention all ALONG to the kinds of things your partner likes... What hints are to be found in every day conversations? Do they linger over dessert or ravenously gorge? What are their visual stimulations? Aural? Audio? Is there anyplace you can TOUCH that sends shivers through them? Mostly though, talking about it and sharing when NOT engaged, and BOTHERING TO REMEMBER--what suggestive comments give them a happy blush? And then pulling all those cues into that big action sequence.


Doesn't that tickle your writing brain?

*cough* Just me then.

Anyway, I'm going to share it with you, because I'm kinky that way.



Sex and the Final Action Sequence.

So in order to have those things PULLED into the final sequence (PUSHED in, even--can we say THRUST? *giggles*--I warned you.), the communication and observation has to have happened already. There are TWO WAYS this can happen, and the effect of the two is different, but complimentary.


THE PIECES

This is the trail of information that, in the final action, can then be pulled in without a 'Deus ex machina' accusation. Does an earlobe nibble make his knees weak? Do they adore visual stimulation? (leave the lights on) Literarily... Nobody previously UNintroduced should have a pivotal role.  No OBJECT or EVENT without history comes in here.  The ACTION can be fresh, but the props and participants cannot (use only what you have good reason to think your partner might enjoy).  If there is a sister given up for adoption that is going to donate the kidney, this CAN'T be the first time we have AT LEAST gotten a hint about it. Since it is the series I am most familiar with, let me pull a couple Harry Potter examples.

JK Rowling is a master at mentioning an idea that will matter later in the most casual of way—she repeats ideas, upping the role... things like polyjuice potion, or the room of requirement. Dragons in Gringots are mentioned in the Sorcerer's Stone... and FINALLY come into play in Deathly Hallows. Goblin distrust of wizards is discussed in detail in Order of the Phoenix... (as is the Goblin parallel to Swizerland and their role in cutlery, time pieces and dairy products *shifty*) Deathly Hallow payoff. The WHOLE BOOK of Chamber of Secrets lays the groundwork for books 6 and 7.

These hints should register on emotional, sensory, and cerebral levels, though the first can be taken care of if you've just made people CARE about the characters and the second can lead to the third... something observed can lead to a clue clicked into place.


And THEN, there is SWEET ANTICIPATION

This is the hint of what is GOING to happen... in real life, it might be a whisper at the restaurant, or a flash of your sexiest lingerie. Maybe it is as obvious as a phone call saying, “I'm on my way!” or as subtle as a smoldering look across a crowded room. In literature, this is foreshadowing. I prefer the variety that AFTER the fact you can spot, but BEFORE, it doesn't help you guess.

So in action and in... action... start paying attention, picking up and dropping clues, and thinking about how the audience is going to want to be tempted prior... and for the ACTUAL event, bring it all to the table...

So there.

Along those lines, I got an award yesterday from Alex Cavanaugh that has a related theme.

Imagine the world was ending when the Mayan's predict, December 21, 2012... What would you do between now and then?

1)  Edit my books that are done but not clean, so I can share them with pride.

2)  Go on the FANCY SCHMANCY version of the book tour, in spite of it being a bad investment.

3)  Quit my job in June of 2012 to spend the last 6 months with friends and family in my beloved Pacific Northwest. (if the house sells, go sooner)

4)  Write my grandpa's story. Never mind it would probably never be read. It is something I need to do.

5)  Eat all the things I enjoy, drink what I like, and shoot all that foreshadowing and plotting into my sex life.

6)  Laugh A LOT--I have a few lifetime reliable laugh-makers and i would definitely fit them in.

7)  Read all the Harry Potter books again, as... in this life, those have had the biggest effect, and I am pretty sure I could summon a group of people I truly love to read them with me to relive the anticipation... MAN that was a good time.

And I am going to pass this on to:  Ted Cross because much of what I mentioned above was driven home by how well he did it with a significant section of his book, and RaShelle Workman for being a superstar commenter and to Leigh Moore, my most recent kindred spirit!

Guest Author Diane Griffin

I think this is my first non-fiction author, and I'm thrilled, though possibly for all the wrong reasons.  I think this book sounds fascinating, not because I have a deep need to EARN security clearance, but because I have characters who might want to go through the process and so this sounds like a FABULOUS author reference book.

So Welcome Diane!


Bio:    Diane Griffin, President and owner of Security First & Associates, says her motivation for writing Everything You Wanted to Know About the Security Clearance Process, But Are Afraid To Ask: Professional Guidance for Obtaining and Maintaining a Security Clearance came from the more than two decades of people she has assisted, both in her role as a private security contractor, and as the head of personnel or security within major governmental contractors, in finding their way through the complicated security clearance chain. 
Synopsis: If you have plenty of time to click around through myriad government websites and the patience to cut through red tape and make sense of confusing bureaucratic talk, you may be able to find some of the answers to your questions about the security clearance process,” Griffin says. “Chances are, however, that you will still be left with some of your questions unanswered, because there are some questions that the government just doesn’t address. So, unless you know someone who is well acquainted with the process from a first-hand perspective, good luck.

“What I sought to do was compile all of these answers into one easy-to-read compendium of advice and guidance, giving my readers signposts along the way to assist them in navigating through the clearance process. I believe I’ve come up with a volume that will greatly help its users, and being able to assist folks in working through this process is extremely gratifying to me.” GROUNDBREAKING SECURITY CLEARANCE EBOOK A ONE-STOP KNOWLEDGEBASE FOR THOSE CONFUSED BY THE SECURITY CLEARANCE PROCESS


Blog: 7 Secrets You Should Never Share on Facebook

In January, NSI Inc.,  stated that many users of social-networking websites inadvertently put themselves at risk by sharing too much information. Below are a few areas that could cause risk.

• Address and birth date. Disclosing your home address or your place or date of birth could make you a target of an identity thief. Your home address even could attract a burglar or stalker to your home. If you’re throwing a party and need to provide directions, do so through email.
• Year of graduation from high school or college. These can help scammers pretend to be former classmates, a common way to win victims’ trust. Also, potential employers could use your graduation date to estimate your age, then reject you if they consider you too old.
• Business contacts. Professional networking websites typically let people on your contact list see the names and IDs of everyone else on your list. An unscrupulous competitor, dissatisfied customer, or former employee could send a damaging message about you to everyone on the list.
• Mother’s maiden name. Businesses often use your mother’s maiden name to confirm your identity, so it’s prudent to keep that name as confidential as possible. (Keep in mind that pet names are another common security question.)
• Travel plans and schedules of groups you belong to. If you mention the dates of an upcoming vacation on a social-networking website, or that you’ve joined a Wednesday-night book group, you might unwittingly have told a burglar when your home will be vacant.
• Your valuables. Don’t discuss your expensive art, antiques, or jewelry. It could make you a target for a burglar.
• The name of your doctor or dentist. If a scammer learns where you receive medical treatment, he might attempt to obtain your insurance information. This could be sold to someone who lacks health insurance, who would then pose as you to obtain treatment.

This best advice I can give you, especially if you have a security clearance, is that “If you don’t want your parents to know about it”, then don’t share it on ANY social media sites.

If you want more gems to keep yourself and your family safer, visit the Security First Facebook Fan Page. If you want to buy her book or learn more about her services, visit her website. Click on the Security First logo to go to her website. Click on her Facebook badge to go to her fan page.

Please put this facebook fan page code into the source code for her blog. The security first logo is already hyperlinked. Also can you please add her vbt banner if you have it finished.

Security First Associates

Promote Your Page Too

Paying It Forward

[it's a little wonky and unorthadox, but because there was no SUNDAY blog, I am posting MONDAY'S blog early.  So there...]

First, a bit of news. The Burrowers image is up for this week, one created by our Go-To-Graphics-Guy, Joris Ammerlaan, and we'd like to invite all of you to write a drabble to it! All of the details are he here.

It's a GREAT image, isn't it? You definitely should write a drabble to it and enter! Also, we are planning, if people want to put a link back to their blog, to add that components, so even though we'll only post the winner, we will link you for anyone interested. (at least that is what I think I understood—my brain has been faulty of late...)


And now...


Paying It Forward as a Drabble EVENT

Some of you may remember B. Millers May Blog about Paying It Forward, and the challenge she offered up about spreading the word. I've seen a lot of fabulous blogs since then about Paying it forward—there were contests and features.

I've been trying HERE to pay it forward as an AUTHOR—trying to spot opportunities where we can help each other out, even when we don't necessarily have means to buy tons of books.


But from another direction, it inspired The Burrow to plan our OWN project, so that is what I wanted to talk about today.

At The Burrow we have begun a feature with eleven drabbles, one revealed every couple days, whereby each character pays it forward and then the next character takes up the story and pays it forward. It's a fun one, and we hope you'll check it out!

In LOOKING for Pay it Forward STUFF, I learned there was a movie in 2000 called Pay It Forward, and I ran across some stuff right in our own little blogosphere, like this entry from Writers Unboxed. So we are onto something... we can make this grow... we all just need to be kind, even to strangers.


And Some Writing News

I don't think I've let all of you know how the process is going for quite a while. The Cozy is 2-3 chapters from done. It has been REALLY HARD getting the words out for the last week. The same blockage that has kept me from the eating right, has also caused some chaos for the writing. But NEW MONTH, fresh start... I've written through chapter 18, and am TYPING chapter 11-- a little behind there. My writer friends have through chapter 10.

I've also been READING Ted Cross's book The Shard, and am TOTALLY sucked in—it's FABULOUS.

I have a couple days off this week—very excited about that. I want to have a couple writing days, but also want to take the kids to do something fun.

I guess that is it at the mo...

So how are you paying it forward? Have you made any changes to keep the idea in your head, so that when there is an opportunity, you take advantage?

No. Just... No.

My week of fitness was a big giant FAIL... I am in bad need of a spanking.

The week starting with all the events referred to in my Wednesday blog may have had something to do with it, but I fell down ALL over the place, ALL week long. BAD BAD BAD.

But tomorrow starts a new month and I will start trying fresh.


In the meantime, to make me feel better, I ran my various names through the Anagram Machine and thought I would show you how apt some of them were.

[Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for the time you waste at this site (and you WILL waste time on this site.)] (though I plan on blaming Mark for introducing me)


Anagrams for Tami Hart

A Harm Tit
That Mari (Ha! I'm an IMPOSTER!)
Am Tart, Hi or conversely: I'm Tart. HA! (Is there anything more perfect?)


Hart Johnson

Ha! John! *Snort*
Jars Nth Ho On
Tar John Nosh

Tami Hart-Johnson

Rajah Nth Motions
Asthma Horn Joint
Trainman Josh Hot
Artisan John Moth
Harsh Ninja Motto
Marsh Ninja Tooth
Math Ration Johns
Ninja Arm Hotshot
A Hart Smooth Jinn
A Harts Ninth Mojo

Alyse Carlson (Oh, these are good!!!)

Rascally Ones
Larceny Lasso
Solace Snarly
A Sensory Call
A Crayon Sells
Carnal Yes Sol
Salsa Con Rely
Sly Lace Arson
Aces Snarly Lo

So what are your anagrams?

Your Quest!!!

A quest? Good idear oh, Lord!

Of COURSE it's a good idea. I AM God!

[erm... that was Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail, lest anyone think I'm suffering a god complex, though if you are here, and are not yet familiar with the Holy Grail, then I fart in your general direction! BUY IT! You will want to watch it repeatedly.]

IN FACT, I think we need to make a little JOURNEY on this little Quest, I think...

We will need a pair of coconut shells apiece, fine silk yarn to knit exciting underwear, a llama, a moose, possibly some very small rocks and a PRAM to make the guy with the deep voice push it a lot. Oh, and a tool box to build a large wooden rabbit...


So back to a little backstory...


Okay, yesterday I went to Cozy Chicks blog and got a whole bunch of STATISTICS!!!! You know how excited I get by statistics... I'm freaky that way. The PRIMARY point of the blog was how much work was needed for how LITTLE money. But one of the POINTS brought up (in relation to fan email)(ACTION POINT!!!!) was the following:

The author loves getting fan mail, but one of the commenters pointed out that the fan love that can be taken to the BANK is positive comments on Amazon, or Barnes & Noble...  At the VERY LEAST authors need enough fan love in this form to balance the mean snarks who seem to have nothing better to do than criticizing everyone...


So YOUR QUEST is this:

If you have recently (or even not particularly recently) read a book by a newer author (or even a more established author) and you loved or even liked it—GO REVIEW! Go to Amazon, pick a couple books, write a couple reviews, give a couple stars. Because there are people making book purchasing decisions BASED ON stars and reviews.  And if you LIKED the book, why not help the author out?  (the karma may come back, ne?)

http://www.amazon.com/

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/

And I think that is it for today, as I am WAY behind on my typing... so Quest on, my lovely minions!

What's So Funny?

So my friend and Digressionista, Mari had a blog this week that got me thinking, and you ALL know how dangerous it is for me to think... Her question was about GENDER and who was more FUNNY... and she had some great points and generated a FABULOUS discussion. So it would be good to read that, but what I got to thinking about was WHAT MAKES FUNNY.


I thought I'd give the humor TYPES I could think of, along with some examples, whether I think men or women both DO and LIKE each, and my personal opinion on them (fun, ne?)

Slap Stick

Three Stooges, Looney Tunes, Certain skits of Monty Python... Humor based on silly physical actions and accidents. This is a male genre—men definitely prefer it compared to women. I suspect more men write it, though it isn't something you can appreciate in writing really.

I like it in small doses, but without a British accent and a straight face, it isn't really my preferred thing, and the performances of it I like best, I think I LIKE because I like the performers doing other stuff so well, so it carries over.


Situational

This oughta sound familiar... situational comedy... you know... SIT COMS. Where stuff happens because of who is thrown together how. This is a television staple, and unfamiliar to NOBODY. It is also seen in some chick lit, YA, and Cozy Mystery. I'm not sure anyone does this better or worse, but I find it is a preferred staple of women, while some men do and some men don't. Blogs like 'I'm Not Hannah' (which is FABULOUSLY funny, in a 'life is too real' way) use it very regularly. This very blog uses it with some regularity, though not exclusively.

I tend to love it if it is the form that turns dark things inside out and makes them funny. Not as big of a fan of the overly silly version that is most often on TV. The situational comedy I like on TV right now is Grey's Anatomy season 3s Christine... her inability to deal with emotion cracks me up like CRAZY, though I also like Izzy in her silly stage, and Bailey (see dry humor). In case anyone missed that... what I find FUNNIEST for situational comedy, is funny breaks in the dark stuff, or dark stuff turned funny. I'm twisted that way.


Pranks

This is where somebody GETS somebody else... they do something TO them. There is a perpetrator and a victim. I think this is ALSO a guy thing... not exclusively, but mostly. The only literary example I can think of is the Prank Wars in the Harry Potter series between Snape and the Marauders. And this is a perfect example of how I feel about them.

NOT FUNNY. There are exceptions, but they are rare. For the most part any activity that can be said to have a victim is not my thing.


Wordplay

Turning words around to make jokes... My favorite example is A Series of Unfortunately Events. This thirteen volume, thirteen chapters apiece series is a giant grammar/wordplay smorgasbord. I don't know that this is more male or female, either in production or appreciation.  The blogs I read that use a lot are Tara's with her Taffy stuff (for a lesson, go here), and Hyperbole and a Half.

I ADORE wordplay. Misattribution isn't my superpower for nothing. This is one of my favorite things to do, but I do it almost exclusively in interaction, not writing. While I REALLY appreciate it in writing, I appreciate the really smart version of it, and what I seem capable of is a pretty silly version of it.


Dry

These pieces often say something serious, but include an irony, or say something other than what they mean but with enough information that you can tell the meaning is different. Most often though, it is just a truth at a really inappropriate time. Somehow this seems feminine to me, but I don't know if it is just because the characters who USE it are often women, or if it is really more often written or appreciated by women.

I LOVE dry humor, often because it is the tension break in more serious works.

(Geek Humor—totally me) -------->


Sarcastic

This is rarely seen as the whole piece, except in parody type pieces—more typically it is a device within a situational comedy or relief within something else. I think this is an equal sex offender.

And I like it IFF it isn't overly mean. Sarcasm is often mean-spirited, and that, I am less fond of.

And while I'm at it... a couple funny things from the Blogosphere this week (male, though the above two links to funny stuff are female)

Fall down funny this week

 Cheeseboy Battles the Pooping Bandit: http://theblogocheese.blogspot.com/2010/07/mystery-of-great-pooping-bandit-of-07

 Christopher Allen keeps in touch with his inner princess:  http://imustbeoff.blogspot.com/2010/07/ode-to-la-prairie.html

This one is only a little funny so far, but the idea of a Battle of the Cereal Mascots tickles me, and so you should go vote for who will be in it.

http://reviewsyoucantuse.blogspot.com/2010/07/battle-of-cereal-mascots-you-pick.html


Also wik:  Which reminds me of potty humor (a male art form), and self-deprecating humor (both use it, but males seems to use a much broader range) and rude humor (picking on people or talking mean about them)--both genders use it and of the 3 it is the only one I don't like.

Also also wik:  Absurd humor: Much of the Monty Python stuff falls here and I ADORE IT.

So what kind of humor do you like What did I forget? (as I know there is a bunch)