Tart Welcomes Wench! (Liz Crowe)

My guest today is one who wears many hats (though only some of them require literal hats)--she sells real estate, she is part owner in a microbrewery (Beer Wench), and... as you may expect... she writes.

Tarts have an affinity for wenches, sluts, and assorted ne'er-do-wells, as well as other tarts, but this is sort of a funny story. Because you see, this particular wench and I know each other in person... like from before we knew the other wrote (from a time wenches and tarts kept their super secret identities super secret). Our daughters are friends (Tartlet one being the same age as Wenchling 2) and so we met when the girls started middle school—four years ago (I had only a half done book at the time). I think it was my daughter who told me almost two years later that Liz wrote, and that first conversation was very tentative... she wasn't quite out of the closet yet, I think—so I just tried to leave the door cracked and left it at that.

More than a year after that we talked again and she had 'found her genre' if you will... erotica... I smiled and felt like a poser, because a tart OUGHT to be expert in things like that, but my tartiness is... you know... on the silly side. She is a REAL LIVE WENCH!

It is very fun to have another local author—one I actually enjoy (as opposed to the psycho, who is the only OTHER author I knew before BEING one—though I have MET a couple authors since getting out there, yet I digress...). Anyway, Liz has been working on a book come trilogy *cough*, but in the mean time has taken on another sexy project that puts her naughty romance smack in the middle of the microbrew world (YAY!) and I've read some of it—spicy stuff! Liz has made me a convert on erotica. I confess I used to snub my nose, as I'd seen so much that was poorly written, but hers is the real deal. In an email convo with a male author friend who shall remain nameless, he confessed to not being able to get up from his desk after reading one of her excerpts, and if you can turn on a GUY without visual boobage... THAT is how REAL it is. And so Friday, Breathless Press released a short story from The Rookie! And Liz is here to tell us a little about that, and about some OTHER stuff you need to know!

And NOW, Welcome, Liz!


The Art of Selling Beer and Sex


Greetings and salutations Oh Mighty Watery Tart Followers, Fans and Others!

Liz Crowe here a.k.a. The Beer Wench. (www.a2beerwench.com) a.k.a. That Other Wench (www.aabedwench.blogspot.com), friend and huge fan of The Tart and her errant and nearly as naughty as mine ramblings.

Tart and I have a few things in common:
To wit:
We have a house full of annoying humans of the teenage variety.
We write around our day jobs.
We love beer.
We like images of gorgeous men in various stages of undress (we can get into that bit whereby I prefer them dressed in suits FIRST then I undress them later, only to wrestle them into soccer unis before having my way….) [Tart note: you know I am a nudist purist, unless they are willing to dance like I like]

We attempt to balance the many and myriad responsibilities of household, said teenaged annoyances, jobs that pay (well, sort of, in my case as you will soon see) and our One Big Passion – The Writing.

Oh, and we live within shouting distance, which is cool.

I’m a salesperson. I’ve sold art, memberships, warm fuzzy feelings (vis a vis United Way donations), nursing home beds, newspaper advertising, houses and now, beer.

My current iteration is owner of The Wolverine State Brewing Company, a new-ish craft microbrewery right here in our beloved A-squared. I embarked upon this admittedly crazy adventure nearly 2 years ago when one of The Boys (start following The Beer Wench and you’ll know what I’m talking about!) approached me during a serious lull in the real estate market about putting my considerable powers of persuasion and organization (ha!) to work for him and his co-founder. You know, for free. Or for “ownership”,--i.e. For Free.

So I did, and jumped into the swirling vat of cooking malt with both feet. I’ve since become an expert, thanks to The Man, The Brewer and The Brain, on bloody ANYTHING and EVERYTHING relative to beer: from malt grinding to packaging to the highly annoying (don’t get me started) method of selling known as the “three tier system” whereby the dudes in the middle make all the money and we do all the work. (ahem).

Long about the middle of this a muse, looking suspiciously like Don Draper and speaking soothingly in my ear in a melodious Clive Owen brogue ambled into my life and plopped me in front of the computer screen, commanding me to use my near constant interaction with the Men in my Life (and beer is full of men let me tell you) to finally get those hot sex scenes in my head out on to the page, or you know, the screen.

I’ve long been a fan of erotic fiction. I’ve tried it all, from the freebie “Hey watch me fu*k my neighbor in her pool” sort of first person ramblings to the (in my pretty well researched opinion) the lovely and layered complexities of Sunny’s fictional women dominate the world fantasies to the smoking hot threesomes Cat Grant and Shayla Black have, um, laid out for us. I am also a huge fan of the short form hot story. That’s how mine started.

“Brewing Passion” is a series published by Breathless Press (www.breathlesspress.com), that is a long and complex story, told in short form (quickies, as it were). “The Rookie” is the first of three that are written and in some stage of editing/polishing/throwing against the wall—you people are writers so I know you get me here. These three are (so far) the “missing chapters” of The Tap Room—a serialized novel on That Other Wench’s site (see above, I don’t have time to write it out again). It’s hot. It’s women in the beer biz and the men who desire them. As one of my Biggest Fans and a Sort of Big Deal in the Craft Beer Business who Shall Remain Nameless said: “I’ve been in the business 20 years, worked in it from all angles, but YOU Wench have created something entirely new….Beer Porn”!

I of course smacked him and made him say it correctly: Beer Erotica….Beerotica? Perhaps. (He likes it when I do that, but they all do). [Tart note:  Beerotica!  HA!  You know how I love a new word!]

There will be a secondary series about realtors soon…I love folks who work hard for a living and fit the sex in when and where they can. I’ve been told (including by our Beloved Tart and by my cherished editor) that my scenes will melt your eyeballs and send you running for the nearest cold shower or your favorite B.O.B. but I will admit I have a lot to learn still. [Tart note:  it's true, and as I said, I started a skeptic]  So the virtual stack of erotic fiction by my bedside grows (I finally broke down and bought one of those reader thingies), the research continues. Good rule of thumb for erotic fiction: The earlier the break for “personal time”, ah, comes, the BETTER. Also, those “breaks” should be somewhat frequent if the story is, erm, lengthy. And don’t think you get immune to a fully, um, fleshed out sex scene. Yeah, there are only so many words to use and frankly, only one happy ending but oh the ways you can describe it could, well, fill a book.

Drink up! Enjoy! Thanks for listening and reading.

Blurb: [this and excerpt rated PG, no worries... still steamy]

Lisa loves her job in the male-dominated beer sales industry and has built a reputation as one of the best. But she dreads the "ride along" days when beer companies sends their least experienced representatives to see how she operates—until her one bad day turns into something more with The Rookie.

Undercover for his own brewery, Trent has heard of Lisa's prestigious sales prominence and sets out to see for himself—to show Lisa what he is capable of—in business and pleasure. Their attraction leads them to an amazing encounter in the most unlikely place, but will Lisa accept Trent's true identity once it's revealed? Or will she finally surrender and reach out for the unexpected?

Excerpt:

She was the pro here. He was the annoying sales rep rookie. Time to start taking her role and showing him his.

When the passenger door opened, she pressed her lips together and flipped the visor back in place. As Trent eased himself back into her car, she resolved to ignore his intense sexual energy and concentrate on work. They were behind by at least half a day for most of her domestic accounts, although he had more than made up for her Michigan beer sales goals in just one morning. She smiled with renewed composure and looked over at him.

As she opened her mouth to tell him about the brilliant new schedule she had just devised, Trent grasped the back of her neck and pulled her lips to his. He eased her lips open with his tongue.

Lisa closed her eyes and gave into the incredible sensation of sharing a kiss, not merely receiving one. His touch was firm—no wasted energy or sloppiness. She moaned and closed her eyes, giving into the need that had been pulsing through her all day long—since she'd first laid eyes on him.

His large callused hands cradled her face as he increased the pressure of his lips. Her hands gripped tighter around the steering wheel as if letting go would imply losing control. When he pulled away, Lisa resisted the urge to whimper and beg him to kiss her again.

"Look at me, Lisa," he demanded. She opened her eyes and met his stare. "I’m not done with you yet."


Page:
http://www.breathlesspress.com/erotic/the-rookie.html
Facbook: TheBeer Wench
Twitter: beerwencha2


[Tart note:  If you want something a little more... mature, head on over to the Bed Wench link above--there is some great stuff!]

And Thank you my Wenchie friend!
 

Raised By She-Wolves

This is sort of a meandering thing, but I am starting with some theory, inspired by a little personal history and then getting to a writing application, so bare with me...

Boy Friends

And I don't mean boyfriends... I mean BOYS who are Friends... I was really BAD at this in my formative years. I think there is a good reason for this. I was an only child (no brothers) and my dad was, for the most part, absent, even before he died. Oh, sure, I had boy cousins, uncles... neighborhood kids... but I really had no awareness that boys were people (who knew?). I usually stammered awkwardly, or flirted badly (as in with poor skill, not as in overdoing it, though if I added alcohol, it tended to cross from the one to the other and there was a time I thought this meant I was succeeding.)

There were a few exceptions though, and I have analyzed it (blame my Virgo Moon). The boys I was capable of being great buddies with, without awkwardly walking the 'der, what do I say, am I supposed to flirt now?' thing, had SISTERS and tended to be raised by ONLY their mom... they were USED to being doused in estrogen. I have several male friends with whom things were FAR easier to find all the lines because THEY KNEW HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS! (so I didn't NEED to know how to talk to BOYS).

My Theory

Getting along with different types of people TAKES PRACTICE. Oh, sure, some people just have more social skills (or enough drive to develop them, or parents better able to teach them) but people exposed to a great variety of people will be better able to deal with them LATER.

I think in college, when I had my first 'exclusive' boyfriend, I managed friendships with HIS friends, and LEARNED how to do it... and in my 20s, nearly all of which, I was with my husband, though we didn't marry until I was 25, the OTHER men I got to know were ALSO just friends... I had finally mastered it... But it took security (on my part, this took the form of 'already taken, not looking') and opportunity (work or school environments where I MET and interacted when I wasn't looking... see, that LOOKING interfered a lot when I had no clue how to talk to boys and desperately wanted some media version of 'happy ever after' type love (STILL can't read romance... misleading tripe)...

But it goes for ALL KINDS of people! I think this low exposure is why people in small towns have misconceptions about certain religions, or underrepresented races... gay and lesbian people (as other that Daffyd, very few people want to be the ONLY gay in the village, so they move away). Cities expose us to more people who 'aren't like us' and open our minds that ALL people are people... but we STILL could use some practice interacting.


Now for the APPLICATION...

Want a rationale for why your character gets along better or worse with some group? Need a rationale for a tic or a quirk... a set of misconceptions? Give them a history! A lack of experience or a bad experience can lead to a whole mess of faulty attributions. This is especially true where there is an unfamiliar GROUP and a character's OWN group talks about them in certain prejudicial ways. But for something as simple as “can she talk to boys?” this is a great way to set up a realistic route of ineptitude.

If a character acts a certain way... has certain social skills or LACKS them, this is one of the many options for explaining and expanding on that... for REALLY getting your characters.


As for REAL Life...

Get to know people from as many walks of life as possible. The faulty attributions are only useful if you KNOW what is faulty attribution and what is real. Cultural differences really exist. So do stereotypes. Learning the difference is how you can keep from walking the wrong side of that line.

So there you have it... Advice a la Tart....

The Nefarious Plan

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jan asked yesterday WHAT my plan was, and since my plan was largely influenced by HER plan (but not quite so detailed) and since I actually wrote it OUT yesterday at Kimberly Loomis's blog because SHE was asking how WE edited... I thought maybe I would EXPAND on things here... Since I love y'all an' all...



1st: basic clean so I don’t make myself nuts on step 2

I would love to skip this step. There is no point cleaning it up when a significant portion is going to be changed, but I CAN'T not do it. For starters... I often ask for HELP after this and wouldn't want to be embarrassed by significant nincompoopery... but I ALSO just frankly don't have the ability to pay attention when there are blatent typos (which is what I hold responsible for most misspelling and grammar—I have a journalism degree that makes me not-incompetent in those areas, but my typing was never meant to be stellar—you know... world dominatrixes have secretaries named Sven and Raoul and all that...)  (Raoul ---->)


2nd: READ IT, taking notes to write the synopsis and taking notes on problems I notice (this would catch that too evil villain)

I will confess this is actually the hardest step... READING IT without TOUCHING IT (yes, notes on the side, fine... but I can't correct things and still read it with enough speed to notice the 'big picture'... if I succeed, it will be the first time, but it IS part of the plan.

3rd: WRITE the synopsis

I will credit Jan here. It is a bit of brilliance, I think... when looking at the big picture, to write it out as it IS, so you can see how strong it is. Then again, Jan wrote THREE, where I am only writing ONE. Though I am ALSO writing a scene summary (one sentence per scene)--also a Jan idea, though she called it something fancy... The purpose of THIS, is to figure out where to insert the things I've made NOTES on. The 'at a glance' work is a TOOL for the big fixes.



4th: critically evaluate at a synopsis level… what would make the GRAND PLOT better, FIX IT.

See—isn't this great? You LOOK at the big picture and then FIX the big picture. How much simpler could it get?!



5th: cut and paste (and write) so it’s all there in the right order

This is to meet all that synopsis and notes stuff... get all the pieces in place...

6th: Next round of ‘ordinary edit’ to clean up transition stuff   (Sven ---->)

This round of editing, is actually much larger than the first, because cutting, pasting, writing and rewriting can leave EDITING scars. I will need to REMOVE the repercussions of anything removed, add the repercussions of anything added, make sure the precedents and antecedents are all where they go, and that I don't repeat myself or skip something crucial.


7th: out of order read so each scene is as strong as possible

I've never done THIS before, either. I'm not positive I will have time for the Cozy, but it is definitely on my list for my suspense stuff, as it seems pretty darned important for suspense to keep pulling the reader... not that it isn't important for mystery, but cozies have other draws, too, besides just adrenaline...


8th: polish.

This is probably steps 8-20, but at least I have help finding the blemishes on this one...


So there you have it... all my secrets...

*****

And because yesterday was September 11... a day I find good for reflection, and because I have been bad and didn't really advertise as things were going UP, I invite all of you to check out our August Pay It Forward project, inspired by B. Miller (and she wrote the first drabble for this project) though the story can start anywhere, as it is circular...

And We're OFF!

In more ways than one if you want to know the truth. And strangely... while we are multiply OFF, we are ALSO now ON! HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN!?

Off to School

The kids started school Tuesday. This means my mornings are significantly less leisurely than they were in the summer. I have to keep track of TIME (they both need waking) and I have to make my son lunch. There was also paperwork galore to fill out, checks to write, STUFF to do... ye know?


Off to the Pool

My daughter started swim practice August 16, yeah, fine, whatever... but with school starting, HILL Week has started... (the coach is Hill... you can identify the play on words involved unless you live in a box)--their swim caps say 'Swim like Hill'... And I'm all for provocative near swearing. It is just the way I roll... But ANYWAY... Hill Week, is actually 2 weeks (must be those ups and downs) and every other day they have 'doubles' practices, so they have to be in the pool at 5am. Och! And guess who the parent is who gets her there? Three guesses... come on...

Okay, fine. It's me. And it REALLY isn't so bad. NORMALLY, Tuesday and Thursday I get up at 4:50 for a power walk... this week I did my power walk Tuesday, but then learned the schedule and so did the other ONE on both Wednesday and Friday... (yes, that was an extra workout... it will hardly kill me—in fact it actually plays into on of my Ons)

OFF with their Heads!

Ha! Kidding. I just like saying that. *cough*

Between the two, I'm fairly exhausted. But all is not lost...


ON with Some Productivity


Writing

I only have 15 pages left on first draft edits (though those edits are only entered through chapter 14—the rest are for this weekend) and I have an extensive list of what it is I want to work in. Plus... I HAVE A PLAN!!! (You know how I love a plan) I am still short on words, but won't be by much once my list has been added. Plus I need to do my gardening in Virginia research... Adding some more specific activities and plants will help.



The Day Job

Relatively productive this week! Tuesday was my only super star day, but I managed to get a fair amount done. So that's good... we have a grant due at the end of the month, but really would like to be FINISHED this next week. Grants have to circulate for a lot of signatures, and it's nice if, at that point, there is nothing left but double checking all the details are in place (and the details aren't my job)



The Eating Plan

Pretty well... I'd give me a B. Tuesday and Wednesday I was perfect and Thursday was good except for the extra glass of wine. Yesterday was a little more off, but I never really do Friday evening... however, skipping Friday evening when I only started on Tuesday... hurts a little more than when it is my weeks only splurge. PLUS, with my daughter's swim schedule and the extra workout day...

So here are the stats... My LOWEST point, I had lost 41 pounds... over the summer I gained back a couple, so that by last Saturday's weigh-in, I was only down 32.5 (on Tuesday I was even higher, but I never count those mid-week things)... This morning, I've lost two of those regained pounds... down 34.5 from January 2nd, but still 6.5 pounds above my low... BUT, this will be my first full week at it, so I have hope I am back on track...

So even though the plan is ON, hopefully the pounds are going to come OFF...

Have a great weekend!

Life Too Short

I've had a couple of reminders this week that sometimes life is shorter than we expect. The first is an MS I am reading for a friend that I am not at liberty to discuss, except to say it's a tear-jerker. But Wednesday, at Chapter by Chapter I got my first sighting of a sad tale. I should probably start at the beginning...

Last Spring I signed up for a contest where participants were supposed to submit their 'first choice prize' as well as enter. I put that I wanted a Chapter 1 review. I was contacted a little while later by Callie from Chimera, a group of editors who were trying to get going with an editing gig. Initially my interactions were all with Callie (Callie is the name of the Grey's Anatomy character I identify with, other than that whole lesbian thing, by the way... erm... and my cat, though she is Cali... but I digress...)

Anyway... I WON the critique from them and got critiques from Callie, Erica (who's become a good blogger buddy and the way I learned all this) and Zellie (about whom this tale is about to become—was that an awkward phrase, or what?). The critiques have been very helpful... if I'd only now apply it forward through the rest of the MS... but really, this is more about connections made.

Zellie Blake

I learned Wednesday that Zellie had lost a battle with cancer. Zellie was young and healthy, and the cancer was rare and unexpected. Like so many of us, Zellie was a writer. I encourage you to read through Erica's posts about some of her inspiring last months and the writing accomplishments (including meeting one of her idols—being featured in an article he wrote) and publishing her book with all proceeds to go to cancer research. I only had a couple emails exchanged with Zellie—I didn't know her well. But I can see how she impacted the lives of people I care about, so Zellie, you will be missed.


It got me thinking... (this... and that super secret project I am giving a hand on)


If you know your time is short... what REALLY matters? What is it you have to get done?

Who would you want to see?
Who would you want to MEET?
What legacy would you feel compelled to leave?


Me? I would definitely take a trip back west... hold parties in Moscow and Portland, urging people I've known to come, but I'd also have some serious small group bonding with closest friends and family. I'd work things out with my mom... and make her promise to play nice with my husband, because he'd be in charge of whether her grandkids ever saw her.

If I could SWING IT, I'd meet JK Rowling, Peter Straub, Tom Robbins, Stephen King—any of the Pythons... and I'd try to meet as many of my writer friends as I could.

And I would DEFINITELY try to get the books I've already written cleaned up, but short of that, I would leave my PLANS with the Burrow with my wishes to split proceeds between them and my family if they managed to get anything published.

What about all of you? If you KNEW life would be short, what would you be sure to fit in? I think Zellie did a stellar job with the time she had.

Writers & Friendship

It would be a gross exaggeration, and a disservice to some fabulous people to claim I had a friendless childhood—I didn't. I had a fair few close friends and was more casual friends with... pretty much everybody. My secret is that I had an overdeveloped sense of empathy, so I was pretty much always nice... or at least never MEAN.

[I'm in the back middle, Peg, middle right]

And a few of my close friends knew me pretty well... probably Peggy best, because we were in the same nursery school class, so friends well before I was WORRIED what people thought—no need to pretend with those people. Plus Peggy is an Aquarius... the sign where anything goes... no judgment, just grooviness.

But MOSTLY I felt like I wasn't really ME. You see, in spite of my breadth and depth of friends, I was a little... uncomfortable in my skin... SHY... no, not shy exactly... well indoctrinated that one should never let it be known you don't have a clue. I was a really good LISTENER... and I think my advice isn't bad, as I DO listen, and try to just ask the right questions unless it is something I know a lot about. But if I didn't have a clue? Until I was about 22 (when I reached a point at which there was very little I was clueless about) I just smiled and nodded. (got me into a little trouble-that).

So What About the PEN FRIENDS

I never ONCE had a pen friend in Brazil who threatened to send me a hat that would shrivel my ears.
*cough *
Seriously though, I started collecting addresses when I was 9. Camp Ne-Wa-Lu (I am sure that's spelled wrong). My early letters were clumsy and inane but when, at 11, I met Melinda, I was READY for a real pen pal... being boy crazy will do that to a girl. Melinda and I proceeded to write weekly (at least) for a decade.

And you know what? She knew more of what was in my heart, of my insecurities, of my dreams, than ANY of my friends I saw on a daily basis. It wasn't that my friends were failing me, it was that I related better with a pen in hand. I always sort of thought that was a failing of mine.


Relationships

You see... when I was upset... I wrote a letter... even if the person I was upset with was in the next room or a phone call away. It drove some of them crazy. (and from time to time it did).

Oh yes... relationship failing indeed...


BUT WAS IT?

Online Friendship

I first dived into online communities at HPANA, a Harry Potter discussion site that at the time I joined in 2005 seemed to mostly be a bunch of middle aged women and teenage boys. Oh, there were some teen girls, too, but the teen girls were interested in the 'ships' (various romantic pairings) where we were talking about WAR! (That would be the Wizard War).

Mostly, we theorized, joked, played... and I made some friends... some women formed a friends group for more personal sharing. We grew closer. One was coming NEAR here... I met her... I started writing fan fiction... made more (similar) friends. I met a couple more HPANA friends when I was on business meetings...

It was all GREAT. It was like I KNEW people. It was never the awkward 'I don't know this person' thing.

And then The Burrow Began

It was like FAMILY, only I LIKED THEM. (kidding, I like my family... but they irritate me more often). But my writer's group DEFINITELY knows me better than my family or personal friends.

Again... I felt a little odd...

And then I started THINKING (you know how dangerous THAT is!) And I started talking to OTHER writers, and I've read several blogs (like this one from Lisa yesterday) that made me realize how I'm NOT that freaky... for a writer...


What do writers do? (not a trick question)-- WE WRITE! Why on earth should it shock us that this is how we bond? That we get closer to each other by writing and reading what each other write... That we in fact share MORE in writing (with each other) than we do with (even our closest) friends. Heck, all of YOU know more than most of my family, or my lifetime friends.

So It's official... I love all o' y'all!

Public Enemy #1

You know how you have these fabulous intentions and these detailed plans, and you are SURE you are going to succeed? You have the goods—talent, persistence, STAMINA... But somebody keeps getting in your way? Sound familiar? Well I've SPOTTED HER! I now KNOW who she is! The person who keeps getting in my way with all her wily... erm... wiles... Are you dying to know?

Thank you Mari for your sleuthing! I couldn't have found her without you!

http://www.growersaunaturale.com/nudify.php?imageid=567

Seriously though, this site Mari found, when SHE was being HER own Public Enemy #1, she came across by plugging 'Nudify' into google (see what a good friend her Public Enemy #1 is of MY Public Enemy #1? It really is quite shocking we haven't conquered the world yet). I love a business with a sense of humor...


In Good Company

Seems a lot of us have been blogging about overwhelmingnesstion... errrr... Too much on our plates... Helena at Becoming Layla joined me in the overwhelmed category...  and Jessica at Alliterative Allomorph did the same...

I have seen great advice to get past it.  Patricia Stoltey gave some very Zen ways to take a short break and then get back to task. Mari gave some good ways to AVOID doing what I should, and Tara reminded us WHY I do what I do.

So I thought maybe the answer was to spread a little writerly love. I found this at Lola's Place:


My Lesson

I managed to get out of my own way and accomplished several of the things on yesterday's lists. Oh sure, there is still PLENTY to do, but when I put my nose to the grindstone, work an hour, reward with a limited break, work an hour, reward... I got two BIGGIES at work out of the way, plus some of the home stuff... And I ate on points! (and there was much rejoicing)

Today (tomorrow, from when I am writing) is my first 'double delivery' of Thing 1 to swimming at 5 am, but I am just going to match her for my exercise mornings—it will give me an extra workout each week, which can hardly hurt.

So I just wanted to thank all you wonderful friends who, from the same boat, managed to encourage me anyway!

Anxiety Dreams

In the wee hours of Monday morning I found myself in a frantic state. I couldn't find the shoes to go with... wait. My outfit kept changing—people (the many people I mysteriously lived with) kept running off with the accessories I needed.. ( I KNEW there was a reason I became a nudist!) Where was my schedule? Damn! I couldn't even remember home room! The shower wouldn't work. Where did the time keep slipping? Why did the notebook and pen keep disappearing. How could I go to class?!

Why the heck am I having anxiety dreams about school starting?

Maybe because... erm... School's starting? Not for ME of course, but I have COMMITED to several starting type activities, so I am falling into that boat, too.

I have some beliefs about anxiety dreams, and I am going to share them with you.


Why They Happen

A mind with too much to keep track of decides to torture us further by ensuring our SLEEP is not restful and we never get a chance to recover. Aren't minds evil? And here I was SURE I was only naughty.

So I need to deal with how much I have to deal with, on top of dealing with what I have to deal with. Is this the definition of SUCK or what?

I can't come up with any biological benefit whatsoever of these dreams, unless, like a drug addict, my body is craving adrenaline, which is possible. Though honestly, I'd prefer I dreamed I injured myself and got a nice dose of endorphines. Natural pain killer would be pretty sweet about now.


Anxiety and Writing

Not happening. Anxiety saps creative juices FAST. Why do you think writing and QUERYING go together so badly? FORTUNATELY, writing and EDITING seem to get along pretty well. They are the obnoxious people you invite to the party who are making embarrassing gestures in the corner and nobody wants to be near, but after the party, they are all anyone wants to talk about. Happy people are so much less memorable than the paranoid or the twitchy.

So Anxiety, DO YOUR WORST! I can take you! (provided I get to call the venue, and I am calling the pudding pool, or wrestling).

How does a person HANDLE anxiety?

DUH! By making LISTS!!!!

Oh, I know, lists are fun, and anxiety isn't supposed to be fun, but this is my party, so there.

To Do: Work

THE FREAKING GRANT
Finish the data merge
Analyze THAT data
IRB for that one study
Hire students for the year
Get those three papers written (ouch—this means I'm behind)
Keep up with the recruiting *yaks hairball*

To Do: KIDS

Fill out all start of work paperwork
Write checks
Find money to cover checks
Argue with spouse because that seems to be par for the course
Money (that I don't have) into school lunch accounts
Buy school supplies
Get daughter to daily doubles for Hill Week (Swimming)
Read the paperwork that DIDN'T need to go back

To Do: Home

Finish laundry (is this EVER done?)
Clean cat box
Update spyware on both computers
Find basement floor
Do single mom makes dinner thing (hubby has Tuesday night class)

To Do: Writing

Finish first edits Chapters 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21
Enter first edits 12-21
Work in BIG edits
Get book to first set of 'full book' readers
Print out book on one of young minions for beta reading
Buy tissues for said book, as I have some idea what to expect
Catch up on blog reading.


To Do: Eating/Fitness

COUNT POINTS COUNT POINTS COUNT POINTS
Assessment of cupboards for foods that would make this all easier
A little meditation and that acupressure thing to get in the ZONE.


I guess my only effective method of dealing with anxiety is head on. That is why the lists sort of work. How about all of you? Anyone have any secret tricks besides denial?

And GOOD LUCK to any of you starting new endeavors for the school year!

Editing Progress

Such as it is, I mean.

I FINALLY finished typing the first draft. (this is the part I ALWAYS underestimate how long it will take)  I was about 15K short, which I expected. NOW I can start putting in the edits from my first read.

I have done 'first round edits' (just cleaning mostly, but also catching a few things I intended to do, but didn't) through chapter 13 (of 21). I have four pages of bullet points of things I want to weave in on the real edit now—likely to be six by the time I get to the end.

I have ENTERED the first four chapters of these (which were small, as these are the four chapters I had to polish for the audition).

I know from feedback (thank you Natasha) that I've been too heavy-handed with the clues in the middle, and I'm not altogether pleased with the final string of clue collection, but as a first draft, and my first mystery, I think it's not bad.

So right now I am typing in those edits made to hard copy, and am including some highlighted notes on where to add some of the bigger stuff I have in my notes...

Editing is not my favorite activity, but it should be a little less painful now that the typing is done.

One of the things I think will definitely be worth the time is to do the 'at a glance' section thing—one sentence for each section, so that the bigger editing can find their lovely new home more easily. I think I will also list the clues dropped on a separate list to see how my pacing and distribution of them is.

That is all I have for today... Keeping it short because I really want to work on this (and I have a basement full of boys—and not the kind of boys I NORMALLY try to keep in my basement) so I will need to make pancakes shortly.

Hope you all have a FABULOUS Labor Day!

Aspartame is teh SATAN

Okay, first WOOHOO!  I got my 200th follower yesterday!  I hope everybody is spending a naked weekend in celebration!!!

And on with it...

So yesterday I think I had a communication FAIL. I should never type a blog post swim meet. I was barely coherent. Erm... Sorry about that. May happen more often through the swim season. Forgive me in advance...

But for TODAY... I have the skinny on.... erm... the FAUX skinny. Evil, horrible Aspartame!

 



            =








And this is the real deal. Let me e'splain...

On Wednesday I went for Acupuncture. I have talked a little about my back pain... and recently I've also had SHOULDER pain—the worst part of which... between the two, there is no comfortable sleeping position. On my back or front, my back hurts. On my SIDE my shoulder hurts. Not sleeping makes me a CRAB Tart... more than just being a Cancer, I mean...

But that only explains why I was THERE, what I WANT to explain is what I LEARNED!



ASPARTAME IS SATAN...

Yeah, I'm serious. So what Aspartame does is prime your BRAIN for sweet. SWEET in nature means CALORIES. When CALORIES don't follow, the BODY goes seeking them. It will either HOARD any calories that DO come (whatever the source) and STORE them, because it thinks it has been tricked (it has) and will STARVE if it doesn't get some (it probably WON'T but I'm sure this is a gift of evolution). Or else if no calories come, it will make you SEEK THEM.

I had never heard the mechanism for something I suspected before, but my Acupuncturist explained it in such real terms. And it makes SENSE! There is an evil conspiracy telling us that we just need DIET stuff to get thin, but REALLY it will make us FAT!


I am taking this into account in... three guesses...

(Okay, no, you don't have to guess... not hard enough..)

MY NEW PLAN!!!!

You've heard me grumble that I sort of need... a REASON to start, right? Well the 2nd time of the year I am able to start starts TUESDAY. You heard me... the start of school is a 'New Year' in a way. And so my eating, exercise, fitness plan ALSO Starts Tuesday! For reals! The motivation is primed (I even had my Acupuncturist include a few metabolism points... This weekend is my last hurrah.


And this weekend...

I solemnly promise to finish typing my Cozy, to get a fair amount of editing done, and to ENJOY my last weekend of misbehavior (and hopefully catch up a little on blog reading).

Pregnancy Memory

I should start with the fact that instead of blogging last night, I was at a swim meet, so the blogging happened LATER last night and this morning. Thus my tardiness... And BECAUSE I was tardy, I thought it was a good day to go with my random list... So here it is...

A randomly generated thought sponsored by LISA![http://lisahgolden.blogspot.com/] My random number generator came up with 26-- the line that went with a pregnancy memory.

So here we have it...

I'm invincible, right? Have been forever, like... Not in a stupid way. I don't jump in front of buses or jump off buildings, but I DO do some things that might not be considered smart (certainly not in Michigan, where car is king (have I complained to you about how in Michigan cars have been given the right to vote, but are not required to pay taxes? It is totally not right)--can you say JAY WALKING?)

So anyway...

One gets preconceptions... pre-conception... I always figured myself for a 'stay active, be a super-preggo' type of gal. I have been active since I was 17, and so at 28 and pregnancy #1, why on earth would that change... Sure, the jogger might slow to a walk and all that, but... I had spent the prior year doing aerobics 5 days a week. PLUS, I periodically WALKED the six miles from campus (Portland State University) home (in NE Portland near the airport) just for fun (I can be a nut that way)--I STILL have days I walk 6 miles just because I want to.

And then I get knocked up. (planned—though perhaps not well thought-through)

And my body rebels. WTF?

So my memory to share with you was my realization that I was physically vulnerable for the first time in my life.

I worked at a pub in NE Portland—McMenamin's 'fern bar' was the nickname... anyone who knows Portland called it 'The Broadway' (based on the street). It was busy much of the time, and I was the ROCK THE KITCHEN gal on Friday nights... I don't remember what night I was coming to work, but I parked my car on a side street a block over (there was no lot) and did my normal jay-walking across Broadway, only to spot a car coming a little too fast, so I tried to pick up the pace...

I swear I transmitted the message... My legs couldn't go... it was like one of those quicksand dreams where you are making every effort to move but your limbs are just STUCK. I couldn't MOVE. I mean I was moving, but I couldn't pick up the pace—AT ALL. It was the most vulnerable I think I've ever felt... a victim of my body (and the little being in my belly who was surely a teenager EVEN THEN—certainly from the first time she could talk).

Speaking of that teen... here she is cheering her team mates (the blonde one with no cap) last night and diving into the water for her relay...

Still swamped, but hopefully only until mid-day or so... Have a great day!!!

A STONING, A STONING!

Everybody get your fake beards! It's a Stoning!!!! SQUEEEEEE! I mean *lowers voice* squeeeee.

Who is being stoned?! Why ME of course!!!

RaShelle Workman has passed on the Award created by Alex Cavanaugh to support his book release! ALEX will be my guest, in just about a months time, but in the MEANTIME, here is his CassaStar BOOK TRAILER! (because I'm groovy that way)

Now this AWARD is what it is because Alex loves music as much as he loves movies, which is to say A LOT, and he passed it to RaShelle because she is FABULOUS. And RaShelle passed it to ME, because I am NAKED!

So now that I HAVE all this POWER! BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*cough*

Erm... Now that I've been passed this award, I want to do the Tart thing and SPREAD THE LOVE!!!!

So I am passing the YOU ROCK Award (I'd love to pass it to all of you, but Alex was excited about a more organic sprawl, so like he and RaShelle, I am limiting the pass on...) to:

*drum roll*

Jenny at Old Kitty for being a SUPERSTAR commenter, and fabulous blogger (and Charlie really needs a diamond collar)

Lisa at That's Why for telling it like it is.

And for similar reasons, Deb and Barbara at The Middle Ages

Charmaine at Wagging Tales because everytime she posts a 'how to' on writing, I want to book mark it. Somehow the way she puts it speaks to me and gets across things I hadn't previously grasped.

Leigh at That's Write for being my newest blogging BFF and sharing many great convos ranging from writing to philosophy.


***

FYI, it is Mr. Tart's Birthday... he doesn't LIKE birthdays , but there it is...

And some less fun news...

Work is swamped. Home is swamped. Children are home, husband is crabby. I have been behind on commenting since Monday, and it will AT LEAST continue today, as I have a deadline. I apologize for my absence, but If you want to think of me, it is as easy as GETTING NAKED! I promise to be better as soon as I get this deadline behind me!

So Shoes? REALLY?

Since I am being random elsewhere today too, I thought HERE, I'd be UNrandom... by UNrandom, I mean... Let me e'splain...

Sunday I threw out an invitation to offer ME topic suggestion so I COULD choose random... and by random I mean RANDOM... I am putting then all in an Excel file then going to a random number generator to pick a number and I will write on the topic that corresponds to that row... the way random was meant to be.

Rayna, my Thursday Twin, was first commenter and said, 'SHOES'. Then 90% of the rest of you said your topic, FOLLOWED BY, 'and shoes'. Y'all are a bunch o' smartasses. Go see if you don't believe me.

Now at first I thought you wanted to know about my shoes... and then it occurred to me you REALLY want my OPINIONS about shoes. So lemme give you a little history.


The Tart and Shoes

So I never thought much about shoes until I was 9. Oh, I generally had some, but my only shoe knowledge prior to this point is a deep hatred for saddle shoes as they badly blister ones feet (a lesson circa 1971). This was made worse the fact that my mother was GIDDY over these shoes, and I really didn't get the fuss. The take home: Mothers cannot be trusted in the shoe domain.

But when I was 9 I got a pair of red sandals. And I refused ANY OTHER PAIR OF SHOES for 10 months. I lived in Northern Idaho, so you can imagine the discomfort of the winter... soppy, slushy, nearly frozen toes—people looking at my mother like she was completely irresponsible. I wore socks... but I would wear no other shoes... you see SANDALS are the closest thing feet can get to NAKED without actually being naked...

The other thing I remember about this incident is the sandals (and all prior shoes) were a size 4. By the time my friend Peggy convinced me Pumas were cool the next spring and I asked my mother for my first pair of shoes in AGES, I wore a 6 ½. Sandals are very forgiving.


My shoe phases were approximately as follows:

6th-8th grade... only tennis shoes would do. Puma only lasted on pair... Adidas 2... Nike had quite a run until I accepted Nike is made for narrow feet... something I don't have.

My freshman year I became a bit of a shoe follower... you see... my lifetime BFF has a MAJOR shoe fetish. And at this point SHE decided high heels were cool (led by her cousin, who was MY HEIGHT and living with her at the time... if it was cool for this high school JUNIOR who was 5'10” to go to school at 6'2”, then why not the high school freshman, ne? Never mind I was still in the junior high and effectively the tallest person in the school.

The next spurt I remember is the fake keds. Cheapo little flat tenny runners in bright colors. And the ballet flats... these are the shoes that carried me through college. These worked well in my heavy trekking college years... It was SOMEWHERE in these years though, that I fell in love with SILVER SHOES.

I am a very odd mix of the CHEAPEST of CHEAP but LOVING sparkles and flash and silver is perfect. They go with everything, so you don't need a thousand pairs, and I have ALWAYS been able to find bargains, but they are sufficiently playful and fun.

The only shoes I've fallen in love with that WEREN'T variations of fun silver shoes have been some bad boots... But let me just give you some samples and stats!


If I were a bizillionnaire, these are some of the shoes I'd want


A strappy silvery collection:

We've got some fancy ones...

And some sort of wild ones...

And some every day (that is above 60 and not pouring) ones...








And then we get into my thing for BOOTS...

For starters... a person needs a pair of Docs for every occasion...

Regular ones...

AND PINK ONES...

And Tall Purple Ones (Squeeeeeeeee!)...

And because everyone knows Dragon Hide Ones are the coolest of ALL...









And Docs are really only POWER BOOTS... I ALSO need warm Fuzzy boots!!!!

And they also come in pink!

AND FLOWERS!!!




AND NOW... because I'm on a roll...

I have a lot of shoes... too many to count, but that is because my dress shoes are one place, my summer shoes are another, my winter shoes another (currently gathering pet hair under my bed)... see, they don't play well together, and if they can't all get together, I can't COUNT THEM!

Oh, sure... I suppose I could count one group at a time, but they ALSO play hidey games. The summer ones are sometimes on the porch or by the front door... I even find them flung in the basement (not sure how THAT happens. The winter ones are more cliquey... they usually collect in groups by the door or hang out in the closet...

I even have a collection of WORK shoes at work! (this is because I walk to and from work, which I do in TENNIS SHOES, but tennis shoes only go with about 5% of my 'required by my day job' work clothes (and really are fairly silly with nakedness too... Nakedness REALLY goes only with sandals and bad boots...