Open Letter to Ellen DeGeneres

So Saturday night I was with the Couch to Keg team... there might have been liquor involved... but we engaged in the rare sport of watching television. (I watch a couple shows, but never WHILE they are on the air, though I guess this wasn't actually on either... it aired originally October 30). We stumbled across an award show for Ellen Degeneres who had just been given the Twain Prize. She was the 14th awardee and Twain has been dead at least a hundred, so I don't think he originated them, but the idea is HUMOR. In fact one of the speakers actually SAID, the Twain is to people with humor what the Nobel is to people without humor. I assume he means the Nobel Prize for Literature, as if anybody reads The Giraffability of Digressions, you will know there is quite a lot of humor surrounding the Nobel Peace prize, but never mind. Ellen has definitely been a leading figure in humor.

As I watched people talk about her, and clips of work she'd done over the years, I had an immense braingasm. You see, I ADORE Ellen. And she would be PERFECT for... well I'll just let you read my request...


Dear Ellen,

Congratulations on winning the Twain Award, or is it a prize? Lily Tomlin said something about a fruit basket, but I saw the statue... whatever the case, I got the gist of the thing and think you were well deserving.

Watching people talk about you, and seeing the clips of you over the years, really got me thinking about what I loved about humor—YOUR humor, in particular. I was with two friends (the three of us embody the Couch to Keg team) and all of us laughed through the whole thing. But here's the thing... I've long said I don't really like American humor.

I think you enlightened me as to why. Most American humor is mean-spirited. You, on the other hand, are silly, mock yourself, but the only taunting of other people you do is in silly pranks. You never put people down or try to make us think less of anybody. To your very core you are kind.

This makes me think you'd be the perfect spokesperson for the Naked World Domination Movement. Now hear me out. I'm a writer by night with a day job to support that habit, but on the side, I am trying to get this going: Taking over the world and convincing everyone to get naked. It's not about sexing everything up. Not even a little. It's about COMFORT (and seriously, who couldn't use more of that?) and about the fact that I think it is REALLY HARD to be mean to other people when we are naked.

Naked people are, by definition, vulnerable. So who would chance a rude comment to somebody with their parts exposed? Not a THINKING person, that's for sure. I also think without clothes, a layer of the ridiculous, superficial status symbols falls away. Except, of course, for the people with Calivin Klein tattooed on their behinds. But most of us are brand free when naked. We really have nothing we can be but ourselves.

And who doesn't like a party? A BIRTHDAY party? And if we are all in our birthday suits, we are always ready!

Read this letter with her voice... Pretend it's on the air

So... I figured it couldn't hurt to ask if you'd be my spokesperson. I can't pay you anything at the moment. In spite of stereotypes, only about 10% of writers support themselves with it. I think I've figured out that I am averaging about $0.49 an hour for my efforts. All of the writers I know are either kept women (and by kept, I usually mean moms... yeah, like that's easy) or have a day job. But if you want to throw my name around, we can talk about a percent of sales...

I am hoping you will just see the wisdom of disrobing and get behind the movement because it is the right thing to do.

And in all seriousness—you rock. Funny, kind, and with unwavering integrity. Nothing sexier than that.

Hart Johnson


***

Friends... read this in Ellen's voice... pretend she is reading it on the show... Seriously, can't you picture it? I'd love it if the letter could get spread widely enough that she saw it. I think she'd get a kick out of it. I also recommend watching the award show. (and don't tell HWMNBMOTI, but I was reminded that Finding Nemo is the perfect stocking stuffer for him).


And for your entertainment, a couple Ellen clips...

Ellen, Bic for Her: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCyw3prIWhc
Ellen on Values: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdkOeCMxb20