Five Silly Song

On the fifth day of Christmas her Tartness gave to us...

Fi---ive Sii---illy Songs

Four Cross-Dressed

Three Christmas Lists

Two Tartlet Minis

And a Boy Toy on a Hay Bale

Come All Ye Writers (to Come All Ye Faithful)

Oh, come all ye writers

Desperate and reject-ed

Oh come ye, oh come ye to Ha-ar lequin

Come and pay money

to have a book put in your hand

But don't think it will sell a one

No, don't think it will sell a one

No don't think it will sell a one

Iiii----iiiiiit's a scam

Nary a book store

Will see your fancy co-ver

No, don't think it will sell a one

No, don't think it will sell a one

No don't think it will sell a one

Iiii----iiiiiit's a scam

Query Hell (to Jingle Bells)

Which agents should they go

The queries that I send

I offer up my soul

Going round the bend

Envelopes with stamps

Are to my query clipped

Wish I were a well known

Or had a bribe to slip

Oh, Query hell

Query hell

I'm in Query hell

No one asks to read my book

They think it just won't sell

Every typo gone

My plot is oh, so good

I even know my jokes

Are mostly understood, (ha ha ha).

Characters are round

With flaws that help the plot

I just wish this query would

Help this book be bought

Oh, Query hell

Query hell

I'm in Query hell

No one asks to read my book

They think it just won't sell

Adverbs are a Danger (to Away in the Manger)

Adverbs are a danger, so smite them away,

Our books, they belittle and lead us astray.

The words unimportant distract from the plot,

Delete them at once or your book won’t be bought.

Strong verbs how we love them, good nouns are a must,

An adjective now and then surely is just.

Adverbs you are useless, so please go away

Stop dragging down prose for too heav’ly you weigh.

Adverbs I will leave you, and please don’t come back

I’m trying to get off this blasted slush stack.

Be clear, in my daily routine I will use,

But please stop this taunting of my writing muse.

Agents do not like a Whin-er (to Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

You better watch out

You better not cry

Better not pout

I'm telling you why

Agents do not like a Whin-er

He's reading your blog

And checking it twice;

Gonna find out who's dissing advice

Agents do not like a Whin-er

He heard you mocking Meyer

He saw query complaints

He knows if you've played nice or not

So you'd better be a saint!

O! You better watch out!

You better not cry

Better not pout

I'm telling you why

Agents do not like a Whin-er

Agents do not like a Whin-er

An because I can't go a day without a nice pinched cheek or two...

Lucius the Cross Dressed Bad Boy (to Rudolph)

You know Saywer and Viggo and Gerard and Johnnie,

And Cabana Boys Rico, Xavier and Ronnie,

But do you recall

The Naughtiest Bad Boy of all?

Lucius, the Cross-Dressed Bad Boy

Had a very shiny crown,

And if you ever saw him,

He sometimes even wore a gown.

All of the other Bad Boys

Used to call him sissy names;

They never let poor Lucius

Join in any hot tub games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,

Her Tartness came to say:

“Lucius with your boa so bright,

Won't you be my star tonight"

He danced in rings around them

As the ladies swooned around,

“Lucius the Cross-Dressed Bad Boy,

You sure know how to wear a crown."