Beautiful Bitch

For my first foray into TMI Tuesday, I thought I'd confess something to you, and then give you a little background...

This is my definition of a fabulous figure

Had I been drop-dead gorgeous—slimmer of form, better boobage, maybe a little less 'cute' and more elegant (or better yet, exotic)—I think I might have been a raging bitch.

Where do I come by this thought? Well it is a little philosophy and a little self awareness. Let me e'plain... I will start with the self-awareness bit...


My Own Personal Hedonism

I really LIKE things I like. I like good food, to be wined and dined, to have someone play music for me or write me poems. I like presents. And I particularly like to be the center of attention to as many people as possible. [um... that's not something I am supposed to admit, is it?] But, there. I said it. (I mean what OTHER sort of person would be leading a quest for World Domination? It's not like I've been leading you on as some shrinking violet—though I do LIKE violet... or any shade of purple, but never mind.)

See... aren't I grand? *shifty*

My Imbalanced Sense of Worth

You know how some people can't take a compliment? That's not me. Whenever I've had times people told me wonderful things about myself, I inevitably believe I'm deserving. Oh, sure. I might blush a little. But I don't doubt it. I think this is the only child in me. Only children have more socialization from adults than other children, and adults are often generous in telling children how clever they are. Is it my fault I believed them? And if that will to believe has followed me forward?


Now I was always a sensitive child. I don't think I would have ever been outwardly mean. When I saw people experience that, I felt bad for them. I don't like mean people and I just don't think I'd be MEAN. But as a kid I did, a couple times, stand by while my friends picked on someone else—usually we'd all participated in deciding the person deserved it—it was usually the 'take down a peg' of someone we thought was behaving stuck-up. (None of us picked on anyone 'socially downward'--which sounds bitchy in itself, but every middle school kid understands the hierarchy to some degree. We weren't the MOST popular, but a few among us (who were not me) were actually pretty close up there)

Nobody every talks about the GOOD side of peer pressure.

But the Biggie is my philosophy on NURTURE... Or more specifically, Peer Socialization

Or what I sometimes call the strange case of Sirius Black. See, for most of us, we want to be WITH people, and if we act like asses, people DON'T want to be near US. This trains us to be a little less ass-like. But BEAUTIFUL people draw us ANYWAY. We believe ourselves to be more beautiful just by rubbing up. We tolerate from them things we would not tolerate in others. And so unless they have EXTRAORDINARY parents or the very very rare case of very sweet temperament... and I shouldn't say it is so rare. I've known a few beauties who were wonderfully kind. They tended to be shy or very gregarious.

But the point is, I don't happen to believe I had one of those natures. And while my mom nurtured that 'be kind' thing, I don't think I got the 'care about others' quite as strongly just because we were such a small little cluster at home. So my peers were necessary... they never ostracized me, but the FEAR that if I behaved badly... you see what I mean...