I've mentioned before that though I am drawn a little like Barbie's flat-chested little sister, I prefer to think of myself as more of a Vixen, a Wench, a... yes, I'll say it, a TART. I don't CARE that I don't look the part, I crave sexy, naughty and shocking as part of my identity. I will NOT behave, and I refuse to let YOU without doing my darndest to make sure you know this other way is more fun. So there.
I even like a little DRAMA, though I prefer the variety that can be put on and taken off over the kind that sort of buries you. Because over all, I'm relatively HAPPY, and like to stay that way...
Since I don't look the part though (the Vixen-Tart), I have periodically attracted NICE guys. And here is where we get to my reminder...
I didn't really have a 'boy friend' in high school, per se—oh there were BOYS, and I went on dates, and there were the normal hanky-panky things, but the things that were emotionally serious, were NOT exclusive or monogamous. See, I was typically drawn to the BAD BOYS who didn't go in for that sort of thing.
Get to college and I met a very cute, very NICE boy who was interested in more, and it was a time when I was sort of craving something more committed. And it took, and we spent all our time together, and it was really pretty wonderful until my dark corners started demanding attention. I'd learned some of my naughty lessons from those bad boys, and had internalized them...
Turns out if the PARTNER I choose isn't dark and dangerous, maybe I will make up for the fact. I wasn't very nice in the end... not admirable or worthy of someone who deserved to be treated better. That craving for drama? Oh yeah... I can create it.
I've mentioned I'm a collector, yes? If a person is ever in my life they are FOREVER in my life (including all of you--you know that, right?)—and it's true. At my wedding I had four exes of assorted seriousness. But until this week, this nice boy from college was the exception. He'd cut me off (and deservedly so). But this week, just when I was so irritated with Mr. Darkness, I got a friend request on facebook for the nice guy... reminding me conclusively why I NEEDED to be married to someone DARK. Because otherwise it would be me.
The Sane One
In my marriage there have been some lousy times (and some wonderful ones, but it is the lousy ones I'm writing about, as they are more pertinent to my point—yes, there's a point). I have sometimes wanted to fall apart—wanted to melt down or have fits. But you see, in a family, somebody has to be the SANE one. I've noticed, reading other people's blogs—hearing other people's stories, that SOMETIMES that sanity role falls on the kids and my heart goes out to those people—it isn't fair and is too heavy a burden. Thus far though, in my own life, I've managed to be the sane one. Had I MARRIED the sane one, I might be the nut (or more likely the drunk)--whatever the case... it falls to me to create the BALANCE.
The Writing Outlet
I LOVE this idea in literature... sane people who suddenly have the leeway to fall apart... people who might otherwise fall apart but the situation demands they hold it together for a while... situational sanity interests me greatly. As does the balance in a family... the character holding it together while things fall apart around her.
I also like that writing now affords me a channel for my darkness. I didn't used to have this on the same level (in fact with the college boyfriend I quit writing, as he wanted to READ everything and was very disturbed when the darkness showed), so I had to make up for it in LIFE, but NOW, I can just write the darkness. Not sure my hubby has gotten the message yet--that he no longer needs to be my darkness and can just be happy and nice now, but I see moments of sanity, so hopefully he will get there...
13 comments:
LOL yes I feel exactly the same way about writing. It certainly is my outlet! I was a little devil as a teen; "cockteaser" if that's what you want to call it! It's funny though I still haven't been able to write about that, haven't been able to bring the cocktease back to life just yet. But I have certainly written plenty about my childhood before I decided happiness might lie in rebellion! Great post, honey tart. ;)
With writing we're *encouraged* to explore different sides of ourselves. I love that, too!
And the situation you bring up--a character being forced to hold it all together (against their natural leanings)--is a perfect way to bring in conflict. :)
Kind of interesting that you bring up the holding it together versus falling apart.. I was so going to blog about that the other day. I was having one of my fall-apart days.. and we had some sister drama (parents were out of town) and when the big one walked out and I was standing there thinking, "I can't handle this today..." and suddenly the little one starts crying, it was like my brain went, 'Hang on a second, we can't both fall apart at the same time.' And it sort of pulled itself together (yes, my brain functions completely separate from "me") and let her be the one to be a mess.
I love the idea of this happening in writing. I actually have that happening in my NaNo novel. And I know I wrote that in reflection of how the boy & I used to be. Always took one of us falling apart to bring the other one back down to Earth.
And then I have to add the Psych bit... It's so fascinating how we can mold and bend ourselves and our own personal characters to fit or counter those around us.
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So insightfully funny and true! I'm thinking of my own very long and fairly happy marriage. I was always drawn to the dark, brooding Edgar Allen Pos-ish guys in college because after all I wanted to be a WRITER and we would all be so poetic and writer-ish together. Like Percy and Mary Shelley. Instead I (thankfully) married a sane, even-tempered, balanced (for the most part) guy who allows me to fly my freak flag every so often and even relishes it. He lets me be ME, and I love it! This allows sanity to rule in our household (for the most part) and the kids have grown up (relatively) non-freakish. Funny how it all works out isn't it?
I bounce back and forth between the "rock" and the "nutcase". For whatever reason in my whole life there have been people who rely on me and I carry most their drama weight and get them through the tough times. Then the balance shifts and I fall apart on someone else, those someones are my mom, my husband and bestie of 16 years. Oddly, the only person I am both rock/nutcase with is my best friend. Leaving my mom and poor husband to pick up my peices while I freak.
In writing, all of my "personalities" show up for the session. Some like to hide more than others and I find writing certain scenes to be easier or more difficult than others. And yes they always reflect the stronger/weaker side of my own "whole" self. So I try to push myself to write in the discomfort. I'm not good at it yet but I'm getting there. My true outlet is painting. Thats where everything gets channeled.
Haha, I went the opposite direction growing up. I had an awesome 2 year relationship in highschool. Very commited, everyone thought we would get married. And then something happened like hormones or being out of a private school and I became a serial dater to the worst degree. A lot of them show up in the male characters in my writings.
Odd, I keep in touch with almost all my ex's as well. Strangely sentimental and I love having the forever people stay forever people...
Tangent! I guess my original point is that I have been blessed that so many of my forever people have accepted me for who I am, be it the rock or nutcase they have been with me through it all, and supported all my creative endeavors dark or light :)
I did the dark and nasty guy thing for too long. Also the pirate guys, the cowboy guys and the sardonic, just plain mean guys. Now I've finally found (8 yrs. ago) the dear guy. The guy who isn't like fireworks but like dark delicious honey. He's no pushover, don't get me wrong. But he simply doesn't get meaness and so I don't need to either. How to be a rebel without losing is my motto. Be a rebel for the good - for the underdog - or for the unconventional (nude gardening for instance) and let the rebel who just hates everything be swept up in your arms and kissed a lot. Yep. You heard it - within every rebel is a sweetheart and vice versa too. Now, back to nude gardening.
Oh what fabulous secrets I'm pulling out of all of you! IO like this!
Jessica-you were one of the people I thought of with having to stay sane as a KID because your parent was nuts...such a rough spot. I was never a tease (it's not a tease if you're willing to follow through, eh?) *cough*
Elizabeth-SO TRUE. I actually use that 'falling apart when there is finally the safety to' in CONFLUENCE--she realizes at the end what she's done. I played a little with how it might go, had I ever had the leisure to be the one falling apart.
Kas-what timing, eh? And that it happened so exactly that way--an actual DECISION not to fall apart just then. You let me know when your NaNo is ready for a first reader--it sounds like a GREAT story, and I love your emotional stuff.
Karen-I might have channeled OTHER than through the partner choice had I got married later, but I get attached... Had I been older and wiser I would have married Remus instead of Sirius... if you know what I mean...
Erica--funny that it sounds like we've got a TON of parallels here--are you a Cancer, by any chance? (we are the infamous for not letting go). I've been pretty much a nut magnet my whole life, so it is RARE I've had the leeway to fall apart, though I do have a couple friends I really leaned on when my husband most seriously fell apart and I couldn't handle it alone.
Jan-were I to choose a partner again, I'd go for a really nice guy too--one I LAUGH a lot with. Maybe could be bendy and philosophical with... My husband can be REALLY funny, but it is a dark, morbid sense of humor. The silliness doesn't fit so well. So yes... rebel with naked gardening. Only without the gardening part (I do so hate pulling weeds)
Actually, Gemini...but the parallels are uncanny haha! I am a member of the "nut magnet" club. I've grown accustomed to it, in my family, one must learn to survive in the midst of sheer random insanity. I know most say this about their family but my grandfather stores toilet paper in an extra refigerator (he has four). Sometimes even collects it from tree's after a teenage TP party on neighboring houses. So I have to look for small twigs and leaves before I choose a new roll.
I'm a rock more often than not, but maybe it's the flighty Gemini in me that makes me go bonkers now and again o.O I blame the stars.
Erica-I'm on the cusp of Gemini myself, though I've always thought of Gemini as responsible for my adaptivity (Cancer doesn't do change well). It certainly makes sense though, that Gemini has to do with the dual personality thing... Cancers are needy and clingy, and that is NOT me. The collecting people thing though--very much cancer...
Well, sounds like you were still more normal than I in HS and college, which might not be saying much, ha ha. And normal's overrated, which I know you know, even if you are the sorta sane one! But I hear you on the writing. There but for the grace go...and that's what we write, huh?
I think it is the writer in you that wants the drama. When our partner is our opposite aren't we more likely to try to change them. This adds
more drama...you can use your situation to make your books, authentic, better! No one I know is
evenly matched! My hubby and I have our moments, who doesn't! I think for me, it isn't that I don't want him around, I need time for my creativity. He doesn't really get...so he needs to go fishing, his outlet and i need to mess up the house and be creative. He is neat; I'm not~
I also wanted to Thank you for the Pay it Forward, I am behind! Hubby finally went fishing, time to play catch up~
Thank you, I did play, I put it on today's post!!!
I was thinking of you, today when I came up with this idea. YOU mentioned talking to people, where we find inspiration...prior post, Marine I believe in a bar. It is all about being Open and paying attention...doncha think~
Oh yeah, Jenny--normal is DEFINITELY overrated! I wanted it so badly though, until I was... say 21 or so. Then I embraced my inner freak.
Ellie-it may BE the writer who craves the dark--I've always been drawn to dark media (movies, books, songs)--though I think there is also the role models in my life--the people that got along always seemed boring- HA! My hubby needs as much alone time as I do, so THERE we are compatible. And you're very welcome! I need to catch up on reading too, but will be by!
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