How to be a Murder Victim

Sometimes this quest for fame and glory can be elusive, but I figure most of us have infamy in us, if we were to really give it a fair shot, so here is some much needed help, if all of y'all are trying to go down in history (or literature) and just aren't sure how to go about it.

Be Really Terrible

Oh, I know. Sounds obvious. But you are much more likely to be murdered if you're mean and rotten. It's especially important that you humiliate a lot of people in public places, because the more people who really have it in for you, the longer your story will take to be resolved, right? I mean... one little humiliation... one murder... crime solved and you're off the front page, and if you're DYING for it, you might as well get some mileage out of it.

Be a SNOOP

Surely there is stuff out there nobody wants you to know! Be sure to go poking around in THAT. And then, just to up the ante, because being nosy isn't quite enough to get the primary victim killed (though it's gotten a fair few secondary characters murdered)--you should probably use what you find to blackmail somebody.

Take Something That Somebody Believes is Theirs

Money is a good one... embezzling a lot of money from someone, particularly someone with mob ties, is a pretty sure way to be a murder victim. Unfortunately with the mob, they are usually pretty willing to take the blame, so what you gain in gore, you lose in how briefly people talk about it... but if your remains were say... spread across three counties, I suppose it might be worth the trade off. You'll have to look into the inclinations of the mobsters near you. And SAY, if they just make you disappear, you might stay in the news for a REALLY long time! Look at Jimmy Hoffa... no body, and the guy is STILL in the news.

Sleep with a lot of Married People

This is a really good one, especially if you then treat said married person badly and try to blackmail them with video clips... Yeah, always advisable to videotape your escapades if you're looking to get knocked off. Also makes everyone want to be on the jury for trying your murderer, so that's an added bonus.


Piss off a Mystery Writer

Bad review ought to do it. Mocking their work. Dangling a publishing contract and then yanking it away. Merging your printing press so that works that HAD been in line are no longer going to be published. Publishing a really BAD book from some OTHER author... In fact it doesn't have to be a publishing related ire you arouse. You could say... cut them off in traffic... say something rude at the gym... teach your child to tattle on theirs... oh, there are a great many things that can get you murdered by a mystery writer...

On a similar note, one of my FB Writer friends, CJ West was giving away the right to name a murder victim in his next book as part of a contest.  How fun is THAT?  Seemed like a bit of marketing genius to me.  Most things you give away cost you something, and have limited appeal, but that goes permanently in a book...