Tuesday, March 30, 2010

How to be a Murder Victim

Sometimes this quest for fame and glory can be elusive, but I figure most of us have infamy in us, if we were to really give it a fair shot, so here is some much needed help, if all of y'all are trying to go down in history (or literature) and just aren't sure how to go about it.


Be Really Terrible

Oh, I know. Sounds obvious. But you are much more likely to be murdered if you're mean and rotten. It's especially important that you humiliate a lot of people in public places, because the more people who really have it in for you, the longer your story will take to be resolved, right? I mean... one little humiliation... one murder... crime solved and you're off the front page, and if you're DYING for it, you might as well get some mileage out of it.


Be a SNOOP

Surely there is stuff out there nobody wants you to know! Be sure to go poking around in THAT. And then, just to up the ante, because being nosy isn't quite enough to get the primary victim killed (though it's gotten a fair few secondary characters murdered)--you should probably use what you find to blackmail somebody.


Take Something That Somebody Believes is Theirs

Money is a good one... embezzling a lot of money from someone, particularly someone with mob ties, is a pretty sure way to be a murder victim. Unfortunately with the mob, they are usually pretty willing to take the blame, so what you gain in gore, you lose in how briefly people talk about it... but if your remains were say... spread across three counties, I suppose it might be worth the trade off. You'll have to look into the inclinations of the mobsters near you. And SAY, if they just make you disappear, you might stay in the news for a REALLY long time! Look at Jimmy Hoffa... no body, and the guy is STILL in the news.


Sleep with a lot of Married People

This is a really good one, especially if you then treat said married person badly and try to blackmail them with video clips... Yeah, always advisable to videotape your escapades if you're looking to get knocked off. Also makes everyone want to be on the jury for trying your murderer, so that's an added bonus.


Piss off a Mystery Writer

Bad review ought to do it. Mocking their work. Dangling a publishing contract and then yanking it away. Merging your printing press so that works that HAD been in line are no longer going to be published. Publishing a really BAD book from some OTHER author... In fact it doesn't have to be a publishing related ire you arouse. You could say... cut them off in traffic... say something rude at the gym... teach your child to tattle on theirs... oh, there are a great many things that can get you murdered by a mystery writer...

On a similar note, one of my FB Writer friends, CJ West was giving away the right to name a murder victim in his next book as part of a contest.  How fun is THAT?  Seemed like a bit of marketing genius to me.  Most things you give away cost you something, and have limited appeal, but that goes permanently in a book...

16 comments:

TreeX said...

It fell through? :(

Rayna M. Iyer said...

Something tells me I am in line for being a murder victim. Have been really nasty to three people today (different story that all three of them deserved it). But I don't snoop, or take what is not mine, or blackmail, or sleep with married people, so maybe I will live.

Watery Tart said...

Nothing has fallen through, that I know of, Joris... it will just be a waiting game for at least a week, probably a few days longer than that, so I'm examining the options...

Natasha- I think you probably a assertive in business stuff... that no-nonsense stuff, but somehow I don't think you're rotten to people who aren't sorely asking for it.

Elizabeth Spann Craig/Riley Adams said...

Not too many Sunday School teachers getting killed, are there? :)

Being a mystery writer is a GREAT way to relieve anger and frustration...you can kill off all the annoying people in your life, people you went to high school with, etc. It's better than therapy. :)

Elizabeth
Mystery Writing is Murder

Jan Morrison said...

yep, all good reasons to be killed. I always think that in the real world more people are killed because they are irritating than for any big reason. That'd be what would catapult me into murdering - won't stop tapping your damn pen during my exam - I'll kill ya! I killed a doll of mine when I was little because she wouldn't stop blinking at me. Gosh, I'm psycho.

Watery Tart said...

teehee--most of my internal agression comes out when I encounter bad drivers. Yelling 'MOTOTARD!' defuses a lot of it, but that really is the only time I feel that agressive. I DO like the idea though, of writing it into books...

Jan, you crack me up! Yeah, that constant noise when someone KNOWS they are being annoying gets to me, too.

Terry Odell said...

Or, if you're familiar with Star Trek, just wear a red shirt!

Mystery writers kill people for a living!

B. Miller said...

YES!! I'm murdering one of my regular bowlers from the Clark Kent job in the next week or so. A terrible mud monster is coming to end his life in a horrifying way. This guy is one of a clan of rednecks who make our lives miserable most days. I can't wait to describe, in detail, the awful things which are gonna happen to him. *devilish gleam in eye* Beah-hahahaha!

Loved this post. ;)

Watery Tart said...

*snort* Oh Terry, you opened up the visual... having sex at a party is a sure one, too! If you are a teenager you MUST remain a virgin!!!

B. A bowling gremlin, eh? Sounds VERY deserving!

Helen Ginger said...

My husband tells people that if he dies under mystery circumstances, the police will arrest me once they see all my poison books and police procedurals, and so forth.

Helen
Straight From Hel

Watery Tart said...

BUWAHAHAHAHAHA! I suppose he has a pretty good insurance policy there. I tell you, death by icicle... it's the perfect murder weapon... *giggles*

Sugar said...

be that annoyingly stupid person the next cubicle over that insists on clipping your fregin nails weekly!! I'm contemplating murder by clipper..idk ..it may work..need to plan it..GAH!

arlee bird said...

You may have heard about this already and it's not going to kill anyone:

I’d like to invite you and your readers to join us in a blogging challenge for the month of April. Check it out at Blogging From A to Z

Lee

arlee bird said...

You are now officially on the blog roll and a player in the challenge. Now you won't have to miss anything-- at least as far as what we're up to. Fun begins on Thursday.
Lee

Watery Tart said...

Arlee! Thanks for the heads up! Should be fun!

Sugar *snort* You need to go to the cafeteria and get a honey packet and smear it on their chair when they use the bathroom.

Sugar said...

Honey could be fun..although I was actually thinking thumbtacks..but I'm not really that mean..ha!