Thursday, August 19, 2010

Bad Poetry and Contracts

So yesterday was Bad Poetry Day. I bet you didn't even know there WAS a bad poetry day. I know I hadn't. But my friend Sketchie (the SPAZ, you may recall) pointed it out, so I proceeded to write the following:

I hope that I shall never sit
beside an ocean full of... rotten food.
The smell that wafts upon the air
Is worse than wearing underwear.

Of course that isn't the first time I've written bad poetry. I am relatively adept at the limerick. Here is an early work from my Harry Potter days:

St. Patrick's Day Limerick (blame Tara, she got me started)

James was the Marauder who loved Lily
Sometimes it made him act silly
He gave her the eye
To let her know he's not shy
but she threatened to cut off his [rhymes with silly]

Sirius Black was the hot one
An unusual day when he got none
They've been lining up
Since he was a pup
And the consensus has been that it's awesome

Poor remus just howled at the moon
Not knowing that poor ladies swooned
His honor too much
His love life a bust
But fandom adoration is his boon

And then we have young master Pettigrew
We wrinkle our nose like he's mildew
Did he really go bad
Or was he a bit mad
But in the end at least he get's his due

Full circle, we're now back at James
Or Prongs in Marauding names
He stood up for his friends
To the darkest of ends
but his legacy's certainly no shame

So anyway, I invited my friends to write bad poetry and had this entry by our own buddy B. Miller:

O, Fickle Peep!
Why doest thou flitter hither and thither so?
Art thou mad?
Thou art simply puffy.

Thine grit is so sweet!
Make love to my tummy, O Peep!

O yes, your eyes shall be plucked,
your body burned.

(pastoral, I think... for Easter)

And Lance, (Sketchie's brother... a fact I find suspicious) wrote a series of

"Haiku For Real Men":

Driving down the street
I see a smokin' hot chick
I whistle at her

Drank too many beers
I bend over the toilet
And puke my guts out

Joris did some translating:

Chirp chirp - chirp chirp chirp
chirp chirp chirp - chirp chirp
chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp
...chirp chirp chirp


(the above is a translation of the poem "De mus", by Jan Hanlo)

and wrote an original:

Yes, no, please

No, yes, yes, no
yes, no
yes, no
Oh sod it.

And then Kerry contributed this:

work was going slow last night
call for thunderstorms don't give us much fright
suddenly there was a call that was rather dire
as it turns out; the canopy was on fire!

And LeaAnne (not to be confused with Leanne) added:

Potty training is hell
The built up gas has an awful smell
If I just hold my breath
He'll be successful yet
At least that was what the doctor did tell

And then here is my final entry, followed by an EXPLAINER!

Forty-seven pages
mangled gibberish
binds us

Taking my power
swearing me to subserviance
I jump for joy
It's my contract!

You heard me... contract arrived last night. I read it and sent a set of questions to my agent, though was rather impressed that I understood at least 90% of the words and 20% of their meaning. I will get it mailed later today, after making my copies. Very exciting!

Say... it's my grandpa's birthday!  (or would be--he would be 91)


Ted Cross said...

I am genetically incapable of understanding poetry. It just looks like hieroglyphics to my eyes.

Old Kitty said...

You have a brand new contract
By jingo I am thwacked!
Excited and thrilled for you!
I shall celebrate with a glass of wine or two!


YAY!! YAY!!! for you!!!! Yay again!!!

Take care

Hart Johnson said...

Ted- i have trouble with anything that tries to be too clever, but limericks are right up my alley. They are a bawdy naked sort of poetry.

Jenny, that was FABULOUS! Thank you!

lisahgolden said...

These are funny! I like when I get poetry. I'm usually poetry dumb.

Congratulations on the contract!

Elizabeth Spann Craig said...

Love the poems! Potty training and beer--my kind of poetry!

Congrats on the contract--and for understanding so much of it!

Hart Johnson said...

Lisa-that is me too... straight over my head most of the time. Thanks!

Elizabeth-I know, RIGHT?! Topics we can relate to! *giggling about the understanding* That is overstating it a little...

Will Burke said...

OOH! Yay You! I'd imagine you called them and asked, "I'm not seeing the 'Birthday Suit' clause. Is that it on page 23? We'll get it in negotiations." Can't wait for your book signing: "Pants. Shoes. Shirt. No service."

LTM said...

OMG, these are hilarious. I esp. liked the ode to the Peep--thou art simply puffy... ! :D

And your HP limericks are divine as well as the "real men" haiku.

Most excellent post~ :D

RosieC said...

!! Pole dancing peeps !! Love it!


I submit for your bad-poetry pleasure my drabble on Pierogi. My hubby said he was scared after he read it. Ha!

Unknown said...

Hey Hart - Congrats on the congrat!!! YaHOO!!! Loved the poetry. I had no idea yesterday was bad poetry day. I'm so bummed too. I had an incredibly bad poem about beasts with stinky feet that like to eat beets. It would have been marvelously BAD.;-)

B. Miller said...

What a fun post and I love the Peep picture.

Congrats on your contract. Best of luck!

Southpaw said...

Good, bad poetry. The peep show is disturbing in an amusing way. But the last paragraph is great news and you understood a whole 20% of it. LOL

Ezmirelda said...

Bad poetry day?? I have TONS of those.
Congrats on getting the contract and Happy Birthday Hart's gandpa!

Hart Johnson said...

Will *snort* I plum forgot the nudity clause! I'm reaching for my red pen now!

Leigh-teehee--don't I have talented friends?

Rosie; drabble on Pierogi? *snarfle* I will go check it out!

Rachelle-Your poem sounds like a Tom Robbins novel! You can always still play!

B. Isn't that Peep picture funny? My friend Jel E.Bean found that... it's an Easter staple of mind (and yes, I have a friend named Jel E.Bean)

Thanks everyone!

Helen Ginger said...

You're awfully good at writing awful poetry, as are your lovely friends.

I love the peep picture of the peeps peeping at the dancing pole peep.

Hart Johnson said...

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THANK you for that booming endorsement, Helen. And yeah... aren't those naughty peeps perfect?

Erica Mitchell said...

Wonderfully bad poetry. I loved it all especially the peep show ;) Congrats on your contract!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I like Haiku for real men!

Ella said...

Great C word..contract! Happy to hear this news for you! Bad poetry, yes I could probably do this...instead of the good stuff, lol!

Cheeseboy said...

That is truly bad poetry. So bad it's bad. So bad it's bad that it's good. Or something like that.

Any poem with the word mildew...

Arlee Bird said...

Curses! I missed Bad Poetry Day again? And I'm sure I've written my share.

Tossing It Out

Private said...

I didn't know there was such a day, and I'm sorry I missed it!

Anonymous said...

AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! How could I be late to bad poetry day!?!?!?!? I excel at bad poetry! Let me think. I shall post a late entry.

She says she's a watery tart.
I'm confused: is she Alyse or Hart?
It don't matter to me,
cuz her blog posts, you see,
I just totally pink fuzzy heart.

Limericks rock. Also, free verse!

World naked domination
sounds erotic
but probably isn't.
Still sounds fun.
Sign me up.