Thursday, September 17, 2009

Delusional Book Tour

Oh, I know… most people wait for an agent, a publishing contract, and a book release date before they plan their book tour, but I am primed to send my “sure, I’d love you to be my agent!” and sign my 4.5 million dollar advance contract—though I suppose I may not get THAT until the trilogy is done… still, one can’t plan too far ahead for success, so here I go.


Authors come in all shapes and sizes, I’m sure, but I happen to know that MY current shape and size is not the one I like. Beginning the Ides of October, I am beginning a PLAN. (A plan? You gasp! I heard you.) Yes, a plan. You see—there is a certain amount of psyching myself up required—a simmering… just like I need with a new book idea, so I can’t start right away. But if I wait until November or December, I am asking myself for holiday sabotage… the Ides it is… An Ides almost opposite from March, so it shouldn’t even kill me.

What is this plan? I have a friend from college, Kara Sorensen who does acupuncture, but also acupressure for FOOD CRAVINGS—and she can teach people by phone or Skype to do it FOR THEMSLEVES. How cool is that? Learn a skill and it is yours forever. I’ve had great success with Weight Watchers in the past, but the last few starts have been abruptly halted by conferences or grants for work… I somehow no longer seem able to accommodate stress and change and stay on plan (damn 40s)… So I am giving the plan this booster shot, and my hopes are high.

I will look HOT by my round-the-world book tour (and maybe I will even fit my winter pants—something not looking so good right now).


Because I will have my hot new body, and my hot large advance, I will be packing a lot of BLING. (you didn’t think a nudist would go clothes shopping, did you?) I LOVE big earrings… I like sparkly things… sorta keen on strappy sandals, though they are usually lacking in arch support… and I will need to pack lots of presents for my friends who have been supporting me since all I wrote was Harry Potter fan fiction…

The Start

Every good book tour starts in New York City, right? So I will rent the penthouse of a fancy schmancy hotel and invite my eastern seaboard buddies to join, then we will do readings and signings at all those big book stores. Then we will travel down the east coast, where I will be booked on the Diane Rehm show, because she is the ultimate sign of author success in my mind, then continue around the US.


The foreign release will occur just before Christmas, so we will fly to Barcelona, where we will begin a cruise around the Mediterranean and each day we’ll stop at a new city for a reading and signing, then get back on the ship for fiesta…In Greece we will take an extra three weeks on a private island to relax, since we’ve been going non stop for months, then we’ll continue. In Egypt they will crown me queen, then in Morocco a… what’s the word for a male harem? Anyway, one of those… will choreograph a full show, just dedicated to me, and it will go on tour selling MILLIONS of copies of my book. Then we’ll cruise up the west coast of Europe, sail up the English Channel and go up the EAST coast of Britain (waving at Azkaban as we pass) where we will arrive at Edinburgh because JK Rowling wants to have us all over for dinner and to talk about writing. After dinner with Jo, we will fly to India, where my chief promotions manager Natasha has arranged for them to rename a city after me (it’s always rather surprised my what a strong following I have in India) and then we will catch our cruise ship again and head to New Zealand and Australia (because the Chinese and Russian translation services are taking too long to just go straight there).

Wind Up

When we get back to North America, I find Chad Kroeger has read (and loved) the book, and so has written a song to me, which he wants to perform personally.

THEN, I will be able to get back to writing again…

Okay, fine, so only the preparation part will really go this way (I intend to actually get on track, and I LOVE calling it my book tour plan)… but it has sure been a fun twenty minute fantasy, ne?


Elizabeth Spann Craig said...

Now that sounds like a tour I might enjoy! Sigh. If only...


Marjorie said...

You forgot the part where you get your naked a** to AZ.

Watery Tart said...

You're welcome to come along Elizabeth! We'll call it a bookS tour!

And Marjorie--last I checked, Arizona was in the US, regardless of how ornery you folks can be, so OF COURSE we will swing by there!

Cruella Collett said...

I'm assuming you will do the NYC part before the end of October, yes? So that I am included as one of your "eastern seaboard buddies". Otherwise I demand that you also make a stop in Norway, no matter how cold and snowy or horrible it will be... (Alternatively, you could spend JUNE in Norway - now that sounds like a plan!)

Thanks for sharing your Thursdaylusional plan - looking out the window at the gloomy exterior I needed that fantasy! (Now, back to the hard reality of war and conflict in the Middle East. I bet they have sun, though...)

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Any planned stops in Grand Rapids, MI? We can show you all the gray we have here! It's some of the world's finest gray, let me tell you.

Keep your plan on schedule, as it sounds like a mighty fine one. If you falter, I will help by sneering at you until you find the will to go on.

Rayna M. Iyer said...

This was published on a Thursday, wasn't it, even if I am reading it on a Friday? Thursdays are the best days - maybe that is why all fantastic people are born on a Thursday!

About the city, would you prefer Hartnagar, or Hartpur, or Hartdesh, or Hartpatnam? All are availabe, but I may need some time to get the municipal authorities to get their sorry a**** moving.

Marjorie said...

Ornery? Arizonans? NEVER! I get the feeling that AZ offends you in some way, Tam. It couldn't be that it's a "red" state could it? :P

Did you know that I am originally from Illinois. Yep, my mom was born in Chicago and I was born in Urbana. 2 of my brothers were born in IL as well. Betcha wouldn't have guessed.