Monday, November 5, 2012

Open Letter to Ellen DeGeneres


So Saturday night I was with the Couch to Keg team... there might have been liquor involved... but we engaged in the rare sport of watching television. (I watch a couple shows, but never WHILE they are on the air, though I guess this wasn't actually on either... it aired originally October 30). We stumbled across an award show for Ellen Degeneres who had just been given the Twain Prize. She was the 14th awardee and Twain has been dead at least a hundred, so I don't think he originated them, but the idea is HUMOR. In fact one of the speakers actually SAID, the Twain is to people with humor what the Nobel is to people without humor. I assume he means the Nobel Prize for Literature, as if anybody reads The Giraffability of Digressions, you will know there is quite a lot of humor surrounding the Nobel Peace prize, but never mind. Ellen has definitely been a leading figure in humor.

As I watched people talk about her, and clips of work she'd done over the years, I had an immense braingasm. You see, I ADORE Ellen. And she would be PERFECT for... well I'll just let you read my request...


Dear Ellen,

Congratulations on winning the Twain Award, or is it a prize? Lily Tomlin said something about a fruit basket, but I saw the statue... whatever the case, I got the gist of the thing and think you were well deserving.

Watching people talk about you, and seeing the clips of you over the years, really got me thinking about what I loved about humor—YOUR humor, in particular. I was with two friends (the three of us embody the Couch to Keg team) and all of us laughed through the whole thing. But here's the thing... I've long said I don't really like American humor.

I think you enlightened me as to why. Most American humor is mean-spirited. You, on the other hand, are silly, mock yourself, but the only taunting of other people you do is in silly pranks. You never put people down or try to make us think less of anybody. To your very core you are kind.

This makes me think you'd be the perfect spokesperson for the Naked World Domination Movement. Now hear me out. I'm a writer by night with a day job to support that habit, but on the side, I am trying to get this going: Taking over the world and convincing everyone to get naked. It's not about sexing everything up. Not even a little. It's about COMFORT (and seriously, who couldn't use more of that?) and about the fact that I think it is REALLY HARD to be mean to other people when we are naked.

Naked people are, by definition, vulnerable. So who would chance a rude comment to somebody with their parts exposed? Not a THINKING person, that's for sure. I also think without clothes, a layer of the ridiculous, superficial status symbols falls away. Except, of course, for the people with Calivin Klein tattooed on their behinds. But most of us are brand free when naked. We really have nothing we can be but ourselves.

And who doesn't like a party? A BIRTHDAY party? And if we are all in our birthday suits, we are always ready!

Read this letter with her voice... Pretend it's on the air
So... I figured it couldn't hurt to ask if you'd be my spokesperson. I can't pay you anything at the moment. In spite of stereotypes, only about 10% of writers support themselves with it. I think I've figured out that I am averaging about $0.49 an hour for my efforts. All of the writers I know are either kept women (and by kept, I usually mean moms... yeah, like that's easy) or have a day job. But if you want to throw my name around, we can talk about a percent of sales...

I am hoping you will just see the wisdom of disrobing and get behind the movement because it is the right thing to do.

And in all seriousness—you rock. Funny, kind, and with unwavering integrity. Nothing sexier than that.

Hart Johnson


***

Friends... read this in Ellen's voice... pretend she is reading it on the show... Seriously, can't you picture it? I'd love it if the letter could get spread widely enough that she saw it. I think she'd get a kick out of it. I also recommend watching the award show. (and don't tell HWMNBMOTI, but I was reminded that Finding Nemo is the perfect stocking stuffer for him).


And for your entertainment, a couple Ellen clips...

Ellen, Bic for Her: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCyw3prIWhc
Ellen on Values: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdkOeCMxb20



20 comments:

jaybird said...

I love Ellen too. She always makes me laugh, and your right, it's not mean spirited humor.

Good luck on trying to recruit her!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I don't see how she could pass up that offer! And you're right, so much humor is mean-spirited.

Creepy Query Girl said...

I love Ellen and I'm sad we don't get her show over here in France but I tend to watch clips on youtube when I can. I think she'd be the perfect spokeswoman for the naked movement! lol

Oregon Gifts of Comfort and Joy said...

Great idea! I hope you hear back from Ellen Hart.

Jan Morrison said...

Good idea. I too love Ellen. She dances and laughs and what is not to love about that. I too love being naked although it can be a bit tricky up here in the True North unless you live in a very expensive home that you pump money into all the time but I digress. I just wanted to share a naked story. Many years ago when my boys were young a bunch of us were out in a Cape Islander enjoying the poor life on the ocean. We were moored off shore and I decided to go for a dip. I went to the bow of the boat - chucked my clothes and slipped into the water. Yummy! My youngest, Cal, saw me in the water and shouted out 'Mum are you naked? Embarrassment City!!!' That became the name of a promotion company a friend and I subsequently owned. Oh, I love being naked and if you can get kids miffed - all the better!

vic caswell (aspiring-x) said...

heeheeheee!

L.G.Smith said...

I know what you mean about the kind of humor that is in full on attack mode. I always sort of cringe at those award shows when they make fun of the celebrities sitting in the audience. Sometimes it's funny, but other times it just comes across as mean-spirited. Ellen is a crack up, though.

Hart Johnson said...

Ha! Glad you guys are on board! Jan, I LOVE the name of that company! I agree that embarrassing our children is just a bonus.

LTM said...

Oh! I couldn't agree with you MORE!!! Ellen is the perfect leader for the NWD movement! She's hilarious and kind and the originator of our favorite motto! (just keep swimming)

Great choice! I approve this message.

wait.. *cough* :D

Johanna Garth said...

I love this and Ellen and the spirit of Naked Domination. Since Child #1 is heading towards tweendom I've made a point of spending a lot more naked time in her presence so she can see what normal bodies look like, but now that I think about it, nudity might be a valuable resource to overcome those meany teen years that are just around the corner ;)

Cold As Heaven said...

I like it when someone makes real funny humor. Nowadays I think it's too much malicious humor around >:?

Cold As Heaven

Old Kitty said...

The Twain Prize? Off I go to google it! Yay!

I really liked Ellen her TV show - where she ran a book shop? Awww such NAKED memories!! take care
x

Christopher Allen said...

I'm so out of touch. Congratulations to Ellen. I love her too.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

LOL! Let us know if she replies.

I saw her live about 20 years ago in Albuquerque. She was hysterical.

Helena said...

I saw that Twain award show too! Isn't Ellen D wonderful? So low-key and non-neurotic and like you say, kind. Very unlike most stand-ups. And her voice was perfect for Finding Nemo.

May she get behind (tee-hee) your Naked Domination movement.

mshatch said...

aw, I love Ellen, too, and you hit the nail on the head why I love her! But about that nakedness...I have to say I'm a little reluctant. Aside form the fact that I'm pretty sure I don't look so good naked there's the cold factor and here in Maine it gets really cold. And whether we're guys or gals we all know what cold means, right?

Still, I hope Ellen signs on and your letter to her was absolutely awesome :)

Donna Hole said...

Brilliant! I haven't watched her show in a number of years, but I love Ellen. She is funny and sweet. I pledge a penny to your cause :)

......dhole

Ella said...

I can see Ellen reading it and the screen all jumbled, block like pretending she is naked, lol.
I think you have a great chance of her going there...
She is so against mean, bully types...

Nice n' naked...interesting concept lol Oh, maybe Naked is Nice, ;D

Nate Wilson said...

You've hit on exactly why I've always thought British and Canadian humor superior to ours. I always assumed they were just funnier, but yeah... we're jerks.

And I think Ellen would be the perfect spokesperson for you, especially since she's already spent so much time on screen naked. Sure, it was as a fish, but still...

Carol Kilgore said...

I didn't see the show, but I love Ellen. I don't see how she can turn down your request :)