Monday, February 2, 2015

The Watery Tart and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Month

I have never been so relieved to have a month over. Seriously. Mercury is still in retrograde until the 11th, but I am seriously hoping my issues were with January. And here is hoping this will be my last whiny baby blog for a while...

My Boss is being replaced at work. I LOVE her and have worked with her a long time, but the administration at the hospital has changed and I believe [redacted because my real opinions would probably get me fired]. It has shaken me up and caused my workplace to feel hostile, even if I still believe very strongly in our mission and care a great deal about the coworkers left (though there is some broken trust I will need to get over).

So my worklife is messed up.

ABNA is gone, which is a blow to my writing routine. But worse...

My agent and I have had a parting of ways. She doesn't want to represent What Ales Me and hasn't been excited about the stuff she's seen post Garden Society stuff... I have been feeling for a while like she doesn't quite get me, but I get attached to people. I stick with relationships even when they maybe aren't ideal because loyalty and permanence are part of my core, so probably this is for the best.

But it feels really scary to be dangling out here agentless again... I will go into this bit more on Wednesday, as that is what Insecure Writer's Support Group is all about, but suffice it to say my writing confidence is totally shaken. I am meant to be editing, but I have lost all confidence that I know how to make something better—I keep getting the idea that my editing makes stuff worse. And MAYBE it is because I haven't found the right “professional” to give me feedback—my FRIENDS who give me feedback seem to improve it... but the pro feedback I've gotten I think maybe sends me off into “try too hard” range and it adds an element of not quite fitting... I need an agent or content editor who really gets me, but I am not in a position to pay for that right now, which means I need to get SOMETHING close enough for an agent to love me.

So my writing life is a mess.

And Remember the Cleanse?

The work shake up largely threw me off, but it wasn't doing huge leaps and strides. I've decided I maybe need some professional help because I am of an age where my hormones may be throwing me a wonky-do, if you know what I mean. I keep reading all these tricks, and I am going to try a few of them (need to eat so the body becomes more alkaline, do super-doses of vitamin D, eat so my body doesn't horde estrogen... really? Does every woman have to do all this crap?

On top of that, on my way home Thursday it was slick, but what I was THINKING about was trying to take advantage of a rare break in traffic on Stadium (where there is no crosswalk) so I stepped to go and slipped, landing hard on my knee. Finally, three days later, the upper part is no longer numb, but around the bottom and inside it is very purple.

So the health issues are fun *rolls eyes*


Ted Cross said...

Hart, I'm so sorry all this is happening to you. I've never had an agent, but I can imagine how hard it would be to lose one and have to go through the terrible grind of trying to find a new one. The work situation sounds somewhat similar to something I experienced once, and that was beyond unpleasant. And the last thing you needed was to injure your knee! It WILL get better.

Cruella Collett said...

Tami - so sorry to hear the universe is being nasty with you. I'm blaming Richard Nixon. As a historian, I feel it is my prerogative to always be able to blame Richard Nixon. I haven't yet found the data supporting this argument, but as I am currently in the process of working my way through the archival material for some of the major foreign policy decisions of his administration, it's only a matter of time before I can verify this hypothesis. In the meantime, take comfort in the fact that while Nixon might have been powerful, he did not have the power to extend January. February is here. Winter is waning (and STILL Game of Thrones is returning in just a short few months!). There will be sun (and thus vitamin D).

T. Powell Coltrin said...

This all sucks majorly. I'm hoping February is a month for you of soaring successes, where you land on your feet and not on your knee. :)

Nessa Toale said...

Hiya, I know a little of how you are feeling, but this is a new month now and I'm hoping it will be a better one, for both of us. Onwards and upwards. :)

Sarah Ahiers said...

Man, you did have a shitty month! That sucks about your knee (I threw my back out last week going down a single stair. Because of course i did).
I'm so super sorry about the split with your agent. That sucks big time, but also, if she wasn't doing much for you, then maybe in the long run it will be a good thing! I mean, you got here before, you can definitely do it again.

Chrys Fey said...

I'm sorry your boss is being replaced at the hospital, and you and your agent are parting ways. I hope everything works out for the best in the end. :)

Andrew Leon said...

Well, I wish I had something helpful to say, but all I have is that nothing can get better without change.

Roland D. Yeomans said...

Life has a way of bringing us to our knees sooner or later, but that fall was way over-the-line. Knee injuries are nothing to ignore. Take as much weight off of it as often as you can.

The company for which I work is becoming colder and colder. I had to work through an injury lately since, while I was covered, I've noticed that the company finds a way to lay you off for other reasons -- supposedly unrelated to your injury. Claims raises their insurance rates.

To lose a treasured boss is hard ... and, as you say scary ... you ask yourself if your time is coming.

You must feel really exposed ... your work has betrayed a close associate, and thus you ... your agent has left you alone and without guidance ... your body, as all our bodies do, is betraying you.

I hate change ... hate, hate, hate it! But change can be seen as a second chance of sorts.

We grow as individuals, as writers, as wiser souls with each stumble from which we rise. Now, it doesn't have to be done with the grace of a ballerina, mind you, we just have to get back to our feet.

Nelson Mandela wrote:
“The greatest glory in living
lies not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall.”

You are intelligent ... you are a fighter ... you are resilient ( or else you would not have made it this far.)

The situations you find yourself in are scary-making ... but they are character making ... or they make you a character!

You can do this, one measured step at a time, knowing that like bamboo, the human spirit has more resilience than you would think at first glance.

Wise people alone know how to organize their suffering so as to bear only the most necessary pain.

What did the dying chimney sweep once tell me?
“Life ain't all you want but it's all you got. Stick a flower in your hat and be 'appy.”

Seeing as how he was dying, and I was not, I thought he might have a point.

May the rest of this new year treat you much better. Always your friend, Roland

Alison DeLuca said...

I'm so sorry, love. It's always dreadful to bid goodbye to a great boss.

Perhaps the agent shake-up is a blessing in disguise - I'm crossing my fingers it's so. Truly, I am.

As for the knee, I would have cried tears of rage and followed them with a long stream of salty language. AND I would have shaken my fist at the heavens.

And as for that damned scale, I nearly threw mine out of the window. How dare it??????

Here's to a wonderful February.

David P. King said...

Wishing you well and that a great deal of portions will be removed from your plate soon, followed by a healthy helping of "new agent." :)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I'm sorry Hart! Don't lose faith in yourself. Find someone who gets you.

Helena said...

Ah, Hart! I know what it's like to be dropped by an agent, and no matter how nicely it's done it hurts like hell. But if it wasn't a good fit then continuing with her would just hold you back--and remember, there are bestsellers that have been rejected by the authors' own agents so the authors had to drop THEM and go on to glory with someone else.

Work (the salary paying kind) is such an important part of our lives that when it changes for the worse or a good person leaves it feels like an earthquake. Hope you survive the tremors.

Madeline Mora-Summonte said...

Sorry to hear about all the stuff you're going through, writing and otherwise. I hear you about the weight/health stuff especially. I got knocked off track - eating/exercising - recently, and I know it's going to be a struggle to get back to it. But I will, and so will you. Hang in there!

G. B. Miller said...

It kind of bites when certain people at work are "replaced" under the guise of "improving" things, when in reality it makes things much much worse (I speak from experience and I have no qualms in stating my opinion about changes at work publicly).