Helplessness: An Analysis

In my coping (and not) this weekend, I've been pondering something that strikes all of us in various places in life and I thought maybe we should talk about it a little bit.

Damn if I'm not a little bit of a control freak. But never mind.

Helplessness source

This weekend has had me thinking a lot about helplessness. Saturday's blog confessed that I was useless in a crisis, but that is PHYSICALLY useless. I just don't know what to do do save somebody. I mean I've had first aid (half a lifetime ago) so if they were choaking... or possibly even if they were not breathing... (no CPR skills, though I've seen it enough that if we were REALLY alone, I'd give it a shot)... but all that in between stuff. USE. LESS.

So HWMNBMOTI is home and physically okay, but his sense of panic... of not-rightness... has not subsided. It has left me tense and worried, too. I am not worried his physical problems have not been dealt with, but rather that his stress and emotional worries are manifesting themselves physically and that this risk won't go away until we deal with the big hairy monster of anxiety.


Anxiety isn't new to us.

When our kids were small, HWMNBMOTI was a 'stay-at-home-dad' and PART of our reasoning was his earning power didn't cover childcare for two kids. But part of it was an anxiety issue that cropped up during my first pregnancy. It is related to myriad issues of self-worth (or lack thereof) and CONTROL issues that can't be controlled in work environments. The latter made jobs dissatisfying in the extreme and the former made it really hard to look for work... not feeling worthy and all.


See, though. In thinking about all of this, even my uselessness is not fully worthless if I PAUSE and think about it.


PIECES and PEACES.

Problems are not large hairy monsters. They are armies. They can be divided, and different people can conquer pieces of the problem, and most problems I am capable of handling some portion of.

1)  I am so calm I've been accused of being comatose. Especially at work, I am hard to rile. I don't buy into the group panic, and I can break out my responsibility and get to it. Coworkers seem to love this. (though I have found tears useful when expectations are unreasonable)

2  )I am REALLY GOOD at breaking apart problems into pieces.

3)  I am ALSO good at talking down panicking people, and at LISTENING (something 99% of men I know are singularly bad at, just FYI—men want to fix it and often will give unhelpful suggestions just to be GIVING a damn suggestion...)

4)  I am also a pretty good advocate. Some people don't really see where their rights lie, and need someone to step in and say to [the professional or source of help] 'look. This is what's needed and nothing less will work.']

So I have broken down HWMNBMOTI's issues and advocacy and calm are indeed what I bring to the table. I've taken Monday off work to make the calls because at the moment he doesn't feel he 'deserves' to be a priority. He does. People count on him. Personally and professionally. But that self talk is powerful, and when there are physical issues compounding it...

And you know what? I made that decision on my walk with Oliver's person last night and I felt SO MUCH BETTER at just that: take the day off to advocate. Finally I had realized what I really could do to help.

The PEACE Piece

There are things really out of our control. There are things none of us can do anything about. Whether it is another person or a situation, life has a lot of stuff that just comes down, no fault or responsibility of our own. There is a SKILL to letting this go.

Once upon a time I attended AlAnon meetings for a loved one who was an addict. And I learned MANY lessons that will stick with me forever there. Say it with me:

NOT. MY. STUFF. If it is in somebody else's control, you can't let it impact you emotionally. Sure, you can feel a little sadness over someone's bad decision, but there is no guilt, no lingering anger or sadness. It is NOT YOUR STUFF. Let it go.

CAN'T CONTROL IT. Publishing is huge here. We can write the best book ever, but can't control who we are competing against for attention, how many books a company is willing to produce in a year, what readers want to read... A huge portion of this is not in our control. So don't pretend you can. It will only make you feel inept.

We need to make peace with all that stuff not in our control. It's not like it is a malicious design. It is just the setting.

One of the things I found helpful early on, especially when I was mad, was to write down what I resented or regretted, and then burn it. (add a little sage if you want to make it spiritual—sage is a spiritual cleanser). The other trick was writing it down and closing it into my AlAnon book (a Bible or other spiritual book would work here)--releasing it to 'your higher power' was the point, so if you are on speaking terms with your higher power, it will probably work well.

Some people meditate.

I've been known to power walk...

WHATEVER WORKS. But you need a system to let go of the stuff you can't change. Because there is a lot of stuff you just can't change...