tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post5219394206095695201..comments2023-10-25T03:45:03.077-04:00Comments on Confessions of a Watery Tart: P is for QueryHart Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599570189253229318noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-72405893548262104212011-04-20T10:03:20.909-04:002011-04-20T10:03:20.909-04:00SO, not having read the other (42!) comments, I do...SO, not having read the other (42!) comments, I don't know if you've already heard these thoughts or not. My apologies for duplicates.<br /><br />First, I want to say that I want to read this. Now. :) If you need a beta (delta, or gamma) reader, let me know.<br /><br />Athena knows in the moment all she needs is out. Unfortunately, after not very many blocks of running, she realizes she has nowhere to go.<br />--"after not very many blocks of running" made me stumble. Is there a better way to word this?<br /><br />A chance encounter and some observed coincidences bring these children together in downtown Portland...<br />--"some observed coincidences" doesn't work for me since, well, I haven't observed them. I'm not sure what you mean by "observed" coincidences. Maybe it's just that word that's sticking for me.<br /><br />Otherwise, I think this is great. Like I said, I want to read it. Nice job :)RosieChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07911305246379355484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-70276789290397285382011-04-20T03:34:53.970-04:002011-04-20T03:34:53.970-04:00Sounds like you have an awesome story here, but yo...Sounds like you have an awesome story here, but you're overselling it. It's coming off too cluttered, as others have said. First off, I would just focus on one of the characters. Pick Athena or Peter and narrow in on them, tell us THEIR story, and have confidence in their storyline being compelling enough on its own to draw interest - and then mention it ties into others who are mysteriously connected in such and such a way.<br /><br />The big problem is you're giving too many little details that don't need to be in the query - instead of the big ones that tell what the story is really about. Gloss over the backstory. There's time to delve deeply into that in the MS. What are the big themes of your story? Pick one or two, and then draw out the sentences about the plot that best convey those themes and show how you use them in the book.<br /><br />Think of it like an aerial view of things. At the heart of every great story is the characters. They're what make a story. But you need a whole manuscript for that. At the heart of every great query letter, is the story itself. That's what the agent wants to read. So think of it like your query letter is you trying to get your future agents attention as he/she is flying overhead in a plane. Too high up and going to fast to get a good look, so you need to snag them with enough of the big picture that they can see it loud and clear and circle back around for a closer look - request pages, come in closer, so THEN they can see the characters and the little stuff that really makes it shine.<br /><br />And if that makes no sense at all, I apologize. Its late and I'm very tired. LOL.Kalen O'Donnellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02131133469192904315noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-56814828844280797962011-04-19T22:58:21.923-04:002011-04-19T22:58:21.923-04:00your mother + my mother = equally horrified. And m...your mother + my mother = equally horrified. And my mom said this A LOT. :D<br /><br />great query for Legacy... ahh how it all comes back to me. I liked that story very much. How's it coming?<br /><br />And what's the latest on that ABNA?LTMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05239077455322030275noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-87416340523687874122011-04-19T22:53:37.909-04:002011-04-19T22:53:37.909-04:00I'm not good with editing, I'm more about ...I'm not good with editing, I'm more about absorbing the idea and I like your ideas. Somebody commented about the treasure hunt making it sound un-adult like. I'm an adult and I love scavenger hunts and treasure hunts. It might be a valid point though, it's hard to write about kids for adults without it slipping into youth fiction. I think this sounds like a great story.Spenchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17035193251222233650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-25980950745958808742011-04-19T22:27:49.801-04:002011-04-19T22:27:49.801-04:00I love the premise! One thing that is missing fro...I love the premise! One thing that is missing from your query is: what is at stake? They could simply all just hide out and not get caught up in the stolen art, thieves, etc. So why do they need to find her - other than the fact that she's their mother - which is obvious. Maybe a ticking time bomb... they need to find her within two weeks or she'll be executed, or one of the kids has a health issue and she's the one that knows which meds he needs, or Something Big that lends a sense of urgency to their plight as homeless orphans. Maybe some internal conflict - they don't really want to find her, but they have to because she's the one with the key to a safe deposit box filled with cash. Or she's the only one who knows the secret cookie recipe that will make them rich. Or Something. Does that make sense? Otherwise, I think it's brilliant!Kierah Jane Reillyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17282642130320133350noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-37997817363250188122011-04-19T22:07:34.023-04:002011-04-19T22:07:34.023-04:00Looks like you've received some awesome and co...Looks like you've received some awesome and constructive feedback here, so there's nothing left for me to say. So, instead, I'll just tell you - Wow! That sounds really cool and I would read it! As a YA writer, I can't help but wonder why it has to be an adult book, but of course that's for you to decide.<br /><br />Good luck in the query contest!<br />-VickiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-68765905742855613302011-04-19T22:03:26.848-04:002011-04-19T22:03:26.848-04:00I enjoyed that query. It capture my attention and ...I enjoyed that query. It capture my attention and made me want to read more.Patricia JLhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582005500429122486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-60653639175174237262011-04-19T20:48:13.892-04:002011-04-19T20:48:13.892-04:00I don't know enough about querrying, but I thi...I don't know enough about querrying, but I think Matthew http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/ is your best bet. He may do a post on this with honest feedback, but I haven't asked him, so I can't promise. I just know that he seems good at what he does.Will Burkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10158149526658590324noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-46600815141527159412011-04-19T20:47:19.154-04:002011-04-19T20:47:19.154-04:00And now - from your onhelpful friend - I can't...And now - from your onhelpful friend - I can't do it. Not today. All I've been doing, every little chance I get, is working on my damn synopsis so I looked at yours, thought about it for about ten seconds, and my head exploded. Yep, it did. Not because of what you wrote - just the state of my head. I'll get back to it later and email you what I think but hey - I think it is harder to write a synopsis than a novel. yes I do.Jan Morrisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01771180344305042855noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-66129714573656772012011-04-19T19:32:01.284-04:002011-04-19T19:32:01.284-04:00WOW--so much to assimilate and so many people to g...WOW--so much to assimilate and so many people to get back to! I've been tied up all afternoon (not literally, or I might be in a better mood), but I REALLY appreciate all the fabulous thoughtful advice here! Some things I want to argue, but so much of this REALLY rings true!<br /><br />My trouble with this as a YA is actually the age of my protags. I think the story is definitely 15+ for readers--too awful for younger, but the oldest character turns 15 and I think adults will be more likely to read younger teens than OLDER teens would... <br /><br />Huge number of these really really hit home though, so THANK YOU!!!Hart Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17599570189253229318noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-19144600509939284312011-04-19T19:03:29.755-04:002011-04-19T19:03:29.755-04:00Oh, queries are such a pain!
This does sound like...Oh, queries are such a pain!<br /><br />This does sound like a great read. YA is getting gritty, so I don't think it may be as tough of a sell as you think.<br /><br />I can just offer some piddly suggestions, but I think you could switch around a few words (and the way I'm switching them may not give the tone you're looking for, I know):<br />For some teens, staying at home is more dangerous than life on the street. Thirteen year old Athena Garnett outwits her mother's drug dealer to escape him after her unconscious mother offers her no protection. Athena realizes in a moment all she needs is out... etc.Elizabeth Spann Craighttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15625595247828274405noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-16056350938545718962011-04-19T17:31:51.169-04:002011-04-19T17:31:51.169-04:00(I started to say which previous commenters I agre...(I started to say which previous commenters I agreed with, and then realized that would get out-of-hand. So sorry if this repeats advice.)<br /><br />1. Athena's mom can't lift a finger if she's passed out anyway.<br /><br />2. "Executed" creates too many questions in my mind, but not in a good way. If he was just murdered, I'd say murdered.<br /><br />3. I would get rid of the "relays events to his brother and sister." It seems oddly passive. I'd probably change it to something like, "Peter knows exactly what to do when he witnesses his father's murder--follow his training. He takes his younger brother and sister and disappears." (Not the best suggestion, but something to emphasize the contrast between Peter and his sibs being "trained" to do something, whereas Athena is pretty much lost and on her own - I assume that's what you're going for.)<br /><br />4. The list - "stolen art, thieves, a treasure hunt, kidnappers, and a tapestry of treachery and espionage" - it kind of seems like you're throwing the whole kitchen sink in there. It probably makes sense in the manuscript itself, but in a query, it seems like overkill. What, the terrorists aren't going to get in on this action? ;) <br /><br />5. Lose the "family-based suspense." I'd just say mystery or suspense or whatever. Family-based seems really 1980s Disney, not in a good way. <br /><br />6. Whatever the deal with the "familiar name" is, bring it up sooner and make it clearer. I get the sense that this is a big deal in your plot, but it's kind of buried. I think that might make the stakes clearer. (Unless I'm reading this wrong.) <br /><br />Generally? I'm not sure about the tone. Bashing in heads and executions just doesn't seem to go with children searching for clues, treasure hunts, family-based suspense. Is the tone of your book dark, light, quirky, etc.? I can't tell from the query.<br /><br />(Anyway, I hope this comment isn't just one big downer. Congrats on querying your project!)Ruhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04217026218961932530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-84039060989975674272011-04-19T16:53:43.904-04:002011-04-19T16:53:43.904-04:00First of all, LOVE the cover.
Here's my thoug...First of all, LOVE the cover.<br /><br />Here's my thoughts/revisions:<br /><br />Sometimes the only thing more dangerous life on the streets is life staying at home. [<--- This is totally your tag line! AWESOME!] When 13-year-old Athena Garnett finds her mother passed out on the floor and has to bash her mother's drug dealer over the head to escape, Athena knows she needs is out. It doesn't take many blocks of running to realize she has nowhere to go. <br /><br />Across town, 10-year-old Peter Popescue [love the name] hides as his father is executed. When he relays the events to his brother and sister, they know it is time to do what they've been trained to do: disappear. They hide in secret panic rooms, going out rarely and only at night, sticking to parts of town where no one would know them. They keep hoping their mother will return, but it looks more and more like she'll never be coming back.<br /><br />A chance encounter brings Athena and Peter together, and a familiar name alerts them to a shared history that began before they were born. Encountering stolen art, outsmarting thieves and kidnappers, and embarking upon a [adjective] treasure hunt, the children realize they must find the secret of the Popsecue's missing mother before it's too late. [These kinds of summary lists aren't so good for queries... need something more about the plot and the mystery of it all here instead. I tried to create something, but it's... well, you see.^ lol]<br /><br />LEGACY, an adult novel of family-based suspense [you need a more concise genre, and I think agent's assume it's adult unless you write YA or MG], is complete at 100,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.Abby Stevenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06630840834227330806noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-79606111882937965472011-04-19T16:25:56.231-04:002011-04-19T16:25:56.231-04:00Will have to have a P and/or a Q tonight as I wend...Will have to have a P and/or a Q tonight as I wend my way through all the A-Z blogs I want to read, PLUS now the Blogquest ones.<br /><br />One thing I want to know - WHY is this an adult novel? Since it is told in the children's voices - is this them, now, grown up? People who adopt them/shelter or help them?<br /><br />I don't want to sound indifferent to children in danger, I'm not - but for ME, I'm missing a piece.<br /><br />If it's not for kids, if it's for adults, you need to tell it in a more adult voice. The narrator (when not in a kid's head) needs to have an adult voice and vocabulary, kind of a fish-out-of-water, I-remember-what-it-was-like-to-be-so-young, to be shocked and horrified at what the kids are going through.<br /><br />Yes, way too long. (Though I always find it easier to write something long and then chop chop.) :-) Here's my first pass edits.<br /><br />Sometimes the only thing more dangerous for a teen than life on the streets of Portland is life at home. Athena Garnett, thirteen, bashes her mother's drug dealer over the head to escape, knowing all she needs is <em>out.</em> Unfortunately, she has nowhere to go. <br /><br />The best place for Peter Popescue, age ten, witness to his father's execution, is hiding. Bringing his brother and sister into the secret rooms of their home, going out as little as they can, they hope their mother will return, but it looks more and more like she was abducted before their father was killed.<br /><br />A chance encounter and a familiar name alert Athena and Peter to a shared history that began before they were born. As they seek clues about the missing mother, they encounter a tapestry of treachery and espionage where they cannot trust anyone but each other.<br /><br />Legacy, an adult novel of family-based suspense, is complete at 100,000 words.<br /><br />K, them's my cuts, but IMO, it probably needs to be trimmed even more. :-)The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-17464240689313988232011-04-19T16:23:22.545-04:002011-04-19T16:23:22.545-04:00First, the heart of your story sounds compelling a...First, the heart of your story sounds compelling and definitely drew me in. As an adult (in theory) I'd certainly read it, and that's one of the problems with the world of genre-obsessed publishing: it can be too narrow. I was going to offer a couple suggestions, but there are so many here already that you'd be better advised to follow them than mine. That said, I know how hard it is to summarize a complex story in a handful of sentences. Even on the blurb for my book (thanks for your comments and review!), a couple friends thought I hadn't done my novel any justice, that it was too simple, too superficial. But that's the nature of trying to sell the beast whether by query or blurb. Good luck to you, Hart!Helenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14967821142796562697noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-77138344875646109002011-04-19T16:18:22.693-04:002011-04-19T16:18:22.693-04:00First and foremost, it sounds promising. The only ...First and foremost, it sounds promising. The only I know (from reading over the Query Shark) is to lose the cliché “A chance encounter.” For me the second paragraph was more enticing than the first so I’d be tempted to start with that one.Southpawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16539290964546504171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-32088681598818216642011-04-19T16:17:56.011-04:002011-04-19T16:17:56.011-04:00she sees her mother passed out on the floor, havin...<i>she sees her mother passed out on the floor, having not raised a finger to protect her daughter.</i> - but if she's passed out, how would she have been able to see what happened, much less help? <br /><br /><i> Athena knows in the moment all she needs is out. Unfortunately, after not very many blocks of running, she realizes she has nowhere to go. Nowhere.</i> - this could easily be shortened to simply 'Unfortunately, Athena has nowhere to go.'<br /><br />Super confused about Peter's father being executed. By whom? And why? And why are the children trained to disappear? It sounds intriguing, but I think you could stand to be clearer here.<br /><br />The last paragraph confused me when you got to the missing mother. They share a mother? And Athena's mom was just mentioned at the beginning of the query so she's obviously around. When did she disappear? <br /><br />I think you should condense all the back story into one paragraph (cut everything that doesn't directly relate to the plot) and get to the part hook sooner. What's this mystery they need to solve? The query started out feeling very dark and gritty, and it ended up feeling like an adventure. Expand more on this part instead of focusing on their back story.Lori M. Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04858438789496971734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-85574981581252598552011-04-19T16:17:54.862-04:002011-04-19T16:17:54.862-04:00Hart, is it set in PDX? Sounds like a book I'd...Hart, is it set in PDX? Sounds like a book I'd want to read! Here's my crit of your pitch. It's small thing at the end. In the sentence that follows, "They encounter stolen art, thieves, a treasure hunt, kidnappers, and a tapestry of treachery and espionage where they cannot trust anyone but each other." I would delete references to stolen art, thieves, treasure hunt and kidnappers. It made it feel too juvenile and gave me images of from the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E Frank--- (umm, I don't know how to spell the rest of her name). Anyway, you get the point. You've already made your own point that it's exciting in the previous paragraphs. You can trim that sentence w/no harm to the overall substance. <br /><br />There's my 2 cents...for what its worth-probably not a P or a Q. Hope it's helpful.Johanna Garthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15515478890074610814noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-47018082796497206992011-04-19T15:36:31.982-04:002011-04-19T15:36:31.982-04:00what state does Legacy take place in ...and what y...what state does Legacy take place in ...and what year??? I think it sounds like a great read... I like your ottoman orgasm..t oo.. your topics... are so fun.. I love visiting.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13422649795748809442noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-24625942476871312432011-04-19T15:23:01.487-04:002011-04-19T15:23:01.487-04:00Ugh, I'm crap at critique.... anywho.
Your &#...Ugh, I'm crap at critique.... anywho.<br /><br />Your 'voice' definitely comes through, so that's a big tick.<br /><br />You definitely get the plot explained, so that's another tick.<br /><br />Your opening line is a great hook - yay, three big ticks!<br /><br />But - and I think this will come as no surprise - I think you need to cut it quite a bit because it seems like it is about double the length that it needs to be. Well, maybe not double, but definitely too long. If you were being asked for a synopsis, then it would be fine, but for a query I think it's too long.<br /><br />Like I said, I suck at critique. :(Amber T. Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01087021598115958337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-87543225310129309102011-04-19T15:03:42.931-04:002011-04-19T15:03:42.931-04:00I knew Ps & Qs meant pints & quarts.
Howev...I knew Ps & Qs meant pints & quarts.<br />However, I'm probably the last person you should ask about a riveting synopsis.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-31431875344827146412011-04-19T15:00:11.410-04:002011-04-19T15:00:11.410-04:00You got some great edits, there, so I'm just g...You got some great edits, there, so I'm just going to add: after seeing this, I really want to read your book. Wow!Alison DeLucahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06979026382091362305noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-91440266544129735292011-04-19T14:35:38.752-04:002011-04-19T14:35:38.752-04:00Ah, the Ps and Qs. Actually, I did already know th...Ah, the Ps and Qs. Actually, I did already know that. However, jot and tittle does have to do with writing and is used the same way, these days, although their original meanings have nothing to do with each other.<br />Interesting...<br /><br />I'll say 2 things about your query:<br />1.It said enough to make me interested in the story, which, as far as I'm concerned, should be what a query letter is for.<br />2. It doesn't fit the "standard" format for a query letter. <br /><br />But, hey, I still haven't gotten mine worked out. The whole query thing sucks, because it's all about fitting into some mold to even get an agent to look at it. We both know we're not good at that.Andrew Leonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13964775673414653644noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-77811094858117434962011-04-19T14:33:11.772-04:002011-04-19T14:33:11.772-04:00This book sound very interesting. I'm a new fo...This book sound very interesting. I'm a new follower. =)<br /><br /><a href="http://tigeronmybookshelf.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">Poetry, Quotes and Book Reviews.</a>Tiger85https://www.blogger.com/profile/15317611873152044511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7127677169344207651.post-11514923950303307962011-04-19T14:03:40.917-04:002011-04-19T14:03:40.917-04:00I feel like the end sentence on the chance encount...I feel like the end sentence on the chance encounter paragraph is a laundry list and it doesn't tell me much about the stakes or what they have to overcome. <br /><br />If I were an agent--I would ask for sample chapter but would have to be grabbed right away. <br /><br />Brandi from <a href="http://blkosiner.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow"> Blkosiner’s Book Blog</a>brandileigh2003https://www.blogger.com/profile/01669251993917961293noreply@blogger.com